Someone to love is all we want. . .

SPORTS? Chapter 5

Sat, 09 Apr 2005 05:45:53 GMT

Author: freekynikki
Title: Sports 5
Disclaimer: Joel and Benji was not a part of this, they did not do any of this. Except for the whole work at target thing. . .
Summary: Benji and Joel finally make up after a long disagreement about sports. . . and themselves.
Chapter 5
Previous chapters found in my live journal

“Benji, I’m really sorry. I never meant for this shit to happen. I really wanted to tell you , but you made it sound as if I couldn’t do anything. I know that I am not as good as you at things, but I am getting sick of always being the one that screws everything up.” Ok I am not sure if I am the one that should be apologizing, I mean I know that I am suppose to be right now but fuck I am messed up. Its to fucking late for this and I have my first match in the morning. I am not even making any sense right now.

“Joel don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. Its my fault in the first place. I should have backed you up. That’s what I was thinking about these last few days. I didn’t mean to just ditch you after that night.” What the hell is he talking about? Is he talking about our relationship or the wrestling? I mean I know he started out talking about wrestling, but at the end it sounded as if he was talking about us. I don’t really care about the wrestling thing right now. I mean I did apologize for lying about it to him, but I really want to know what is going on with us.

“What?”

“I never meant to leave you the other night. I just needed to think about things. I didn’t want to get into anything with you if you where going to lie to me. I don’t need that. I don’t want to be the jealous type that will always nag at you and ask you where you’ve been because I don’t trust you. I need to trust you.” Oh ok. I am finally starting to understand him. I told you I was slower then him.

“Benji I am so sorry I never meant to lie to you. I just wanted to prove to you that I could do something with my life without your help. . . Without anyone’s help.”

“You don’t have to prove anything to me. I love you and you will always be perfect in my eyes.” Damn this is to much. Does this mean we're together?

“So what does this mean?”

“What do you mean, what does this mean?”

“About us?”

“Oh.” That didn’t sound good. . Ok Joel don’t overreact he didn’t say anything yet.

“Joel. . . .I don’t know.” OK What?! What where we just talking about?

“What do you mean you don’t know. I love you and I promised never to lie to you again, and technically I never lied to you in the first place.” Now I am sounding like a whinny bitch. Just great.

“Joel! I never said that was the reason in the first place. Fuck! Stop flipping out for nothing.”

“Well what is it then?” Fuck I am flipping out here and his playing games with me. I am seriously going to slap him on the side of the head if the fucktard does not tell me soon.

“Well I am not sure how much you will want to be with me after I tell you. .”

“Tell me what?” Fuck! His in love with Josh I know it. His in love with our older brother. Oh crap Joel your really losing it now.

“I joined the wrestling team after school today.”

“What? Why?”

“Well I needed to find out a few things about this wrestling thing and well I went to Paul. He told me that you guys would be out of town a lot and I just couldn’t have you be away from me that long. I mean every weekend Joel. I couldn’t be in a relationship with you and never see you. I would go crazy.” That has to be the sweetest thing I have ever heard. I think you can tell I haven’t heard many, so I take what I can get.

I am really sorry for the delay, and sorry for it being so short. I have been busy all this well. . . .hmmm. . . year I guess you can say. . I have not been really into writing lately. Sexy great boy-sex coming up within the next few chapters. YAY!

Repost of Sports chapter 4

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 17:50:47 GMT

Author: freekynikki
Title: Sports? 4
April 6, 2005
Disclaimer: I do not own anyone in this fic. None of them has done anything that I have them do here.
Summary: Joel is in full swing of wrestling and well Benji isn’t happy.

Chapter 4
{Joels prov}

So its been a 2 days since I told Benji how I felt. He told me that he loved me to, but there was a but . . . Well not really. Just me ranting on and on about wanting to be happy. Like I was the only one unhappy in the situation. I can be so selfish sometimes.

I still can’t believe that I kissed him. It was the most incredible thing that ever happened to me. Fuck I am still high from it. There is a down side to the whole situation. . . Benji is not speaking to me. He is avoiding me at all costs. He has not said one word to me or even glanced in my general direction.

I don’t know how he does it. . . Well actually I do but I just can’t believe it. We sleep not even two inches apart from each other and he still can avoid me without any hitches. He used to sleep facing me but now sleeps with his back to me. His even getting up earlier just so that he will be ready to go before me.

I don’t really know weather its because of what I said or if it was because of what I did. Confused? So am I. I wish that he would just talk to me. I need to know what’s going on. Right now I wish that I could just take it all back.

I never realized how easy it would be to just avoid my twin. I mean in classes we don’t really have to speak to each other. At work we are separated so we don’t speak or even see each other at times, and we’re never really at home unless it’s a weekend. I am really freaked about this weekend. Its my first match tomorrow and I am so scared I think that I might pass out from just thinking about it. When I weighed in yesterday I was 146 pounds which I am happy about. I thought would be hard to lose 5 pounds in 4 days but it actually wasn’t that hard. With all the extra exercising I get in during practice the weight just came off.

This month was such a good month for use. I hate that I ruined it for us since we are caught up on all the bills and we might even be able to afford Christmas this year; which is always a plus.

I have to stop thinking about these things. I need to get this Homework done. With Wrestling and work. I haven’t really been doing my school work. I don’t know how Benji does it with such ease. It just comes to him easier then it comes to me. It was always like that. Our mother once told us that Benji was walking a whole month before me. They kept trying to get me to walk but I just wouldn’t or couldn’t whatever the reason was. She never did tell us what made me walk. I just assumed I got up off my butt one day and decided to walk. I think I was scared of being left behind because benji was more then likely cruising all over the house by that time.

When we started School Benji was the one that wanted to go. He ran for the bus in the morning. Of course I ran to, but I was not running for the bus. I was running to keep up with Benji. I never wanted to be left behind. I still don’t. I still want to run after him when he walks out the door to go
to a friends or even if he was just going to the store for some milk.

There I go thinking about him again . This is so useless. I might as well give up on the idea of homework. I look around for something to do. I just need something to keep my attention off benji. Kinda hard when I am surrounded by his things. I never did much to decorate our room.
Benji on the other hand went all out when we got here. Posters cover the walls and the ceiling. Our one and only guitar sits in the corner, and well that’s pretty much it since there isn’t much more room to put anything other then the closet and the beds.

The guitar! That’s what I could do. I am really not that good, and this is the perfect time to practice. No one is home and they probably will not be home soon. I am really shy. I don’t like people hearing me play or sing unless I know for sure that I am really good at it. I am sure
that this stems from me being a perfectionist. Weird that I am I know. I think its from me always having to try a little harder at things then benji. It just became a game to me. If I write a paper I have to rewrite it because I think that it is sloppy for some reason. Then I rewrite it again because my
handwriting isn’t the best so I want it to be a little neater. So I try and make it as perfect as possible, but of course I get tired of redoing things over and over so I end up just turning in a sheet that seems to be worst off then the original. At least I think that. I am disturbed.

I pick up the guitar carefully. The last thing I need is benji getting pissed at me because I broke the damn thing. I strum the few cords I know. Hmm. . This isn’t as fun or as interesting as I thought it was going to be.

“October’s days. . . . . Remind me of. .”Shit! That sounds shitty.

“October air reminds me of. . . “ hmm. . .

“The feelings of your love.” Well. . . . its better then nothing I guess.

*************************************************************
(Three Hrs later)

“October air reminds me of
all the seasons of you love
And what it was like
when we were together
The smell of fall is everywhere
And though it seems I just don’t care
Cause now you’ve gone away”
“That was really good” WHAT THE HELL! I look up and see benji standing in our doorway. He looks nervous.

“Do you really think so?”

“Did you just write that?”

“Um . . Yes.” What does this mean?

Repost of Sports Chapter 3

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 17:32:05 GMT

Author: freekynikki
Title: Sports? 3
April 6, 2005
Disclaimer: I do not own anyone in this fic. None of them has done anything that I have them do here.
Summary: Joel has trouble deciding on what to do when a counselor tells him he has to join a sport or a club to get a better chance at getting into college.
I would never usually write about the guys and sports, but I was at a state Tournament a few months ago and I got this idea. I will not tell you what sport it is just yet. I don’t want to ruin the fic for you all. Hope you all like it.

Chapter 3
“While Joel. Answer me!”

“Benji keep your voice down. Do you want us to get fired?”

“Joel look at me. Do you think I care right now?” I don’t think he does. The look in his eyes seem to be saying to me. RUN! While maybe not run, but I should watch my back.

“N n n no.” Come on Joel stand up to him. Don’t let him talk to you like this. Sure he can kick your ass, but don’t act like a pussy.

“You know what. Just forget it. I don’t even want to talk to you right now. I will talk to you when we get home.” With that he walked away. I never been so scared in my life. I know he would
never hurt me, but I couldn’t help but wonder. Why is he so mad? Sure I lied to him, but that is nothing.

I know I never lied to him before. Except when me and mom went to go get ice cream without him. I told him I went to the doctors. I didn’t want him to feel hurt; because he didn’t get to come along.

“Excuse me.” My head snaps up looking into a very annoyed lady’s eyes. I can’t think about any of this now, I need to get to work..

(After work At home)

While another long day over with. I don’t see how I am going to fit wrestling into my schedule every day. Practice is every day after school from 4-6:30. Two and a half hours of torture every day. Oh Joy!

Thank god its Friday tomorrow or should I say today. We do not work Friday through Sunday. That is when everyone wants hours. Well I don’t. Mon- Thur is good enough for me thank you.
Working at night is better to. You earn 3 more dollars an hour that way. Eight dollars an hour is a lot.

Benji has not talked to me all night. I kept sneaking glances at him, trying to figure out how angry he was with me. He wouldn’t even look at me. He pretended to be busy all night. Even through break. He had a longer one then me, but he didn’t even glance at me when I walked in.

I look over at him again. His getting undressed. Probably getting ready for bed. I can’t help but notice the muscles in his back and shoulders. How they seem to flex with his every move. How his creamy skin seems to glow in the moonlight coming from our window. I am so glad we
decided to try to save on electricity this month. I never noticed his forearms before. How big they where. They seemed so. .

“What the hell are you looking at?” Caught!

“Nothing why.”

“Your staring at me like your about to jump me or something.”

“NO!”

“Well then what where you looking at?” God. Don’t say it Joel. You know that it will only cause more trouble. Say anything but that.

“While I’m waiting.”

“Nothing.”

“Joel!”

“The scar ok! The scar.....” I really fucked up now. I knew not to bring it up, but I think it would have been worse to say I was thinking of you in a sexual way. The I wanna jump your bones right now speech would not go over well. Now I wish I had said that. The look on Benji’s face
was shock. He was caught off guard. Like I said we never mention the car accident.

Benji was in the car with them when the drunk driver ran the red light and hit them. I guess that is how it always is. Since Benji was the only one wearing his seat belt. He was the only one that survived. He had gotten the scar when they pulled him out of the car. There was a piece of glass still inside the window frame that they didn’t see. It left a long jagged cut from his left upper shoulder to his waist line.

“I’m sorry Benj. I didn’t mean to bring that up.”
“No its fine. I can’t pretend it never happened.” What the heck!

“No I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Joel! Just drop it ok!” I knew when to shut up. I thought so anyway.

“I lied.” There. I might as well get it out now. I know it will be at the
back of my mind forever.

“I know.” He knows!?

“You do?”

“Ya. That is what I am so hurt about Joel. I thought we discussed this. I thought I told you that this was a bad idea. That you could get hurt.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You joining wrestling. What did you think I was talking about?” Great I was just about to tell him that I loved him and he is talking about wrestling. I have been waiting all night for him to bring it up and he brings it up now.

“Oh nothing. The same.” He can tell I am lying. I see it in his face.

“Joel. I hate it when you lie to me.”

“ I never lied to you. . . . .Well until now, but it was not really lying. I just never told you of my plans.”

“Joel you just lied to me when I asked you about what you thought I was talking about. I know we where not talking about the same thing. So tell me ok. I can’t take anymore of your hiding from me.”

“Benji. . . . I . . . uhh. . . . You don’t want to know.” At that moment I felt backed up against a wall. This room is just to small. Benji was now sitting cross-legged on his bed facing me. Concern written all over his beautiful features. I knew I was in love with him for a long time now. I kept trying to talk myself out of it, but it was no use. I might as well face the music.

“Joel are you ok?”

“No. . . I’m sick Benji. . . . . . Really sick.” There I said it. Well not it, but kinda I guess.

“What’s the matter? Do you have an upset tummy?” I just stared at him for what felt like an hour. Did he just say tummy?
“Tummy?” His face is turning three shades of red.

“Shut up Joel.” I couldn’t hold it in anymore and neither could he. We both fell over on our beds laughing. Suddenly I fall off my bed. Crap.. . .This hurts. You think falling two and a half feet wouldn’t hurt, but it does.

“Are you ok?”

“Stop laughing its not funny!” The asshole is still laughing at me.

“I’m sorry Joel. I can’t help it.” His ears are even turning red from laughing so much.

“Benji shut up I think I hurt myself.”

“Ok sorry. Where did you hurt yourself. . . . . Your tummy” He started laughing again.

“Stop it. I think I hurt my arm really bad.” He stops after hearing this.

“Oh crap. Do you think its broken.”

“Do I look like a doctor to you.” I think I’m about to cry. My arm really hurts. I didn’t think
I hurt it that bad, but now after standing up I can feel shooting pain going up and down my arm.

“Can you move it?” I try and I succeed

“Well its not broken, but you have a nasty bruise on your elbow.”

“Are you sure?” I start to check out my arm.

“Ya. Remember the time I broke my leg falling out of that tree house at grandmas. I couldn’t even move it.” That’s right. I was so scared. I thought he was going to die. Of course when your five years old, and your twin is in pain you always think the worst. Even to this day I don’t
think I will be able to live if Benji dies before me. I would rather us die together. The same hour, the same minute, the same second. Just so we won’t be alone or without one another.

“Benji?”

“Ya.” He was still examining my elbow.

“I love you.” His eyes shot up to mine.

“What?” It wasn’t like we never said we loved each other. It was different this time and I think he sensed it.

“I love you.”
“Joel. . . . Are you sure?” What! Am I sure?

“What do you mean?”

“I mean are you sure that you love me. . . . . That way?”

“Then you know what I am talking about?”

“I think I do.”

“Benji I knew for a very long time that I loved you. I just tried to push it away. I knew that you would never love me the way I love you. I knew you would not be as sick as I am.”

“Joel I love you. I love you with all my heart. I know I will never understand what the heck this all is, but I know I love you. . . . I just” I feel a but coming on. I pray to god there isn’t.

“Benji. Please don’t do this. Just tell me ok. . . It will be better that way.”

“Joel don’t make this harder for me.”

“No Benji. Don’t make this harder for me! You don’t think waking up every morning looking over at you and knowing I couldn’t have you was not pain for me. Going through the motions every day just to survive. Knowing when its all over and done with I will be alone pining for you
while your off with someone else. While your loving someone else the way you should be loving me.” I walk towards the window. Looking out into the clear night sky. It was October. The leaves where starting to fall and it was getting dark sooner.

“Joel please.”

“No Benji please! I am so sick of always doing what you want me to. Of always being the good twin, not the perfect one mind you, but the good one. While fuck that! I think I deserve to be happy to.” I turn to him. Clearing the room in three long steps. I come face to face with him. I look into his eyes and for some reason he seems afraid. Afraid of what I was about to do.

I lean in and gently kiss him. I knew he wouldn’t kiss back. I just needed
to feel his lips on mine. Just once. I will remember this moment for the rest of
my life.

His lips are so soft. So much softer then I imagined. He hasn’t pulled back yet. I decide to be bold and deepen the kiss. I run my tongue along his bottom lip. I can’t believe it, he opened his mouth. Is he in to this or is he just taking pity on me? Either way I don’t really care right now.

This chapter was really long and it was the worst I have done, but I fixed it now. Ugh!. . I am so starting to get back into this fic. Yay. . Maybe an actual update to it will come soon.

Rewritten Version of Sports 2

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 03:42:40 GMT

Rewritten Version of Sports

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 03:25:30 GMT

Author: freekynikki
Title: Sports?
April 5, 2004
Disclaimer: I do not own anyone in this fic. None of them has done anything that I have them do here.
Summary: Joel has trouble deciding on what to do when a counselor tells him he has to join a sport or a club to get a better chance at getting into college.
I would never usually write about the guys and sports, but I was at a state Tournament a few months ago and I got this idea. I will not tell you what sport it is just yet. I don’t want to ruin the fic for you all. Hope you all like it.
Chapters 1

{Joels Prov}

Jesus this sucks. I can’t fucking believe this crap. This asshole has the nerve to sit here and tell me that I probable will not get into the college I want to get into because I haven’t played in any stupid sports or have been in any clubs. Well sorry that I thought my studies where a little more important then some dumb ass sport.

I would have never thought that those dumb ass jocks would be able to get into the schools I wanted to just because they where into beating the shit out of each other. I haven’t been listening to this asshole since he told me the crappy news. I don’t even know why I came here. I knew I would never be able to get into a good school. My family can’t afford it and I need a scholarship. I knew that I was not good enough, the last two years where for nothing. I worked my butt off, and for what. Nothing!

How the ‘f’ could this happen to me. I have gotten straight A’s for the past 2 years and now I can’t even say that is enough. I guess colleges like students with a great background. They like to see that you are involved or some shit like that.

“Joel, this isn’t the end of the world.” Ya right, what an asshole. He doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know what I have to go through ever fucking day.

“Whatever. Can I go now?”

“Joel It will be alright. I promise you that. You are only a sophomore. You can still join a club or maybe a sport. It will not hurt you to get some exercise.”

“I guess, but I cant do anything. I can’t play basketball or football. I mean I could play them, but not very good. I am not good at team sports.”

“Joel did you ever think about wrestling?” Is this guy crazy? I would get killed.
“I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

“Did you happen to get a look at those guys lately. They are huge. I would get pounded.”

“Joel there are weight classes. You wouldn’t be going up against guys any bigger then you. Just think about it.”

“Ok can I go now.”

“Sure, but I think I will set up a meeting for you with one of the other wrestlers. He can explain things better then I can. Come back to my office tomorrow morning at eight o’clock. Ok?”

“Fine.”

Shit this just great. I left his office and headed down the hall to my locker. I hate my life. Just when I thought things where getting better, they get worst. And to add to my crappy day I have to go to work tonight. 5-12 shifts are the pits. Especially for 5.10 an hour.

“Hey fathead.. What’s the matter.” Just great. Now I have to deal with yet another asshole.

“Nothing Benj, just leave me alone!”

“What the fuck is your problem!?”

“Nothing alright. We better get going. We will be late.”

“Don’t feed me that shit Joel, where twins and I can sense these things you know.”

“Thanks for stating the obvious. Your real perceptive aren’t you.”

“What? Don’t use those ten dollar words on me Joel. They don’t work.”

“But, my dear brother, they have.”

“What?”

“Exactly.”

“Whatever Joel.” I can’t help but laugh at him sometimes. I know he knew what I was getting at. He just plays stupid with me sometimes. Which isn’t the case at all since he has been doing pretty well in school. He is a straight A student and he was in some clubs to. I have all A’s to, but no clubs. Man I am so stupid. I should have joined FBLA when asked. He is no longer in FBLA but he was in it for a year. Freshmen year. He said he wanted to check it out, but soon found out it wasn’t for him.

I look over at him. I never really noticed before, but he walks with such comfort. No one dares to mess with my brother. He just gives off vibes of being tough. I am not saying he isn’t, he is. Take it from someone that has gotten in quite a few fights with him. I knew every time he would start beating on me he would hold back, while I would try my hardest to kick his butt. He would never intentionally hurt me. Plus I once heard my dad tell Benji that he was pretty strong and that he should watch his strength. Dad never really told him to take it easy on me or anything, but I think Benji got the hint. He should be the one joining wrestling.

Maybe if he would join, no one would notice me on the team. If he did really well no one would pay me much attention. That might just work, people would think wow where did this kid come from. How great is he?

Oh! Who am I kidding. People would notice that I suck and Benji is great. Benji is great at
everything and he is the people person. He has everything going for him. His smart, has braun and beauty. Woo. . . Where did that come from?

“Joel are you alright? You look kinda sick.”

“Ya fine, just thinking about some things.”

“So how did the meeting with the counselor go?”

“How did you know about that?”

“Well We have all the same classes and you where not in 7th, plus I went in 6th.
They told me they would call you in next.”

“Oh.”

“So how did it go?”

“Good I guess.”

“Oh so that is what’s bothering you. What did that asshole tell you.”

“Benji. Don’t call him that.” ok I did call him that to, but I feel really bad calling him that out load.

“Oh Joel chill out. You won’t get in trouble for calling him an asshole out of school.” I decide not to argue with him. He is right anyway. I can see target come into view and I can feel the dread building up inside of me. Benji once again got lucky when we got this job. He got to stock and do floor work well I have to run one of the registers. I hate dealing with people sometimes.

“Yay Joel! Another exciting day at Target. Don’t you just love our jobs!” I knew not to answer. It wasn’t a question anyway. I can tell that he was joking by the sarcasm in his voice and by the way he jumped around me.

“So what is your problem brother?” Why does he keep asking me. If I haven’t told him yet I probably won’t, well I probably will I guess.

“I’ll tell you after work.”

“Cool. Later Joel.”

“Ya later.”

{10:00 p.m. five hours into the Twins Shift}

‘JOEL MADDEN PLEASE COME TO THE SERVICE DESK’

Crap this is just great. Now what did I do. While walking over to the service desk I spot Benji lifting boxes of some kind of furniture up onto a high shelf. I never realized how strong he was and how his muscles flexed under his t-shirt that stock to him like a second skin. Oh crap! Stop it, JUST STOP IT! My mind is really in the gutter today or I could just be some kinda pervert.

“Joel!?”

“Aaahh!” Did I just scream like a little girl? Perfect.

“Oh my god Joel. Are you ok?” It was my boss, while night manager actually.

“Fine. You just startled me. Sorry, what did you want?”

“Oh I just thought you should know that you worked through your lunch break.”

“Oh did I? I was a little distracted tonight.”

“Oh, I just wanted to know if you wanted to go home an hour earlier since you worked through it.”

“No I think I better wait for Benji.”
“I go home at eleven and I could bring you home.” Does she think I am scared to walk home in the dark or something?

“No that’s alright, I mean if I went home early Benji would have no one to walk home with.” At that moment we both look over at my brother. He was lifting a box bigger then him onto a high shelf. He did it with such ease. Damn! He would probable be able to lift me with ease.

“I think he could take care of himself.” Bitch. I saw the way she was looking at him. Right in front of me to. How dare she. He belongs to me. Ok now I am even freaking myself out with my thoughts of him.

“No I will stay. I need the extra money anyway.” I couldn’t help but give her a mean look. I tried not to, but I couldn’t help it. I know she seen it by the strange look she gave me while she walked away. I looked back at Benji. He was now staring at me with that knowing grin on his face. He laughed, shook his head, then went back to work. Just two hours to go. Then I can go home do some homework, get like three hours of sleep oh wait two hours I need to get up early to go to the assholes’ office tomorrow morning. I wonder what you have to do to get on the wrestling team and what do you do once you are on it?

{11:59}

Come on . . . . . Come on . . . . .Shit just one more minute. Come on. You stupid Time clock.

CLICK, CLICK

YES!! PUNCH, CLICK

I admit that the nights here are long, but tonight was unbearable. I had like a thousand costumers. What could be keeping Benji? Finally here he comes.

“Wow your excited to get out of here.”

“Ya so hurry up. I want to get a little sleep tonight before starting this shit all over again tomorrow.”

“Ok wait a sec. Just let me clock out.”

I was out the door before he would even clock out. He could catch up. If not, he could take care of himself.

“Hey Joel wait up! You don’t want to be walking home alone.” Just great even my own brother thinks I am a weakling.
“Why? Don’t you think that I could take care of myself? Do I look like I need protecting from my big strong perfect twin?! Well I don’t! Ok!”

“Ok Joel just calm down. I didn’t want to walk by myself. The night freaks me out a little. Ok..” Oh now I am the asshole.

“Oh benji. I am so sorry I forgot. I am just having a bad day that’s all.” I pulled him into a hug. That is one thing about us. When one shows affection the other understands. Neither one of us has ever pulled away, not once in our whole lives. I think we understand how deeply hurt the other would be if we did. At least I like to think that is the reason.

“Its ok. Lets go home. Get some of that sleep you have been talking about.” Laughing we walked the rest of the way to our apartment. We live with our older brother Josh. We couldn’t live on our own so he agreed to take us in. It’s a small two bedroom apartment. Which means me and Benji have to share a room. We got it last year when our parents got into a car accident and where killed by a drunk driver. We are both pretty much over it now. No one mentions it anyway.

We get to our building and go up to our apartment. Josh is not home as usual. He is never here. He works night shifts 9-9 and we never see him.

I want to fall right into bed, but I have a term paper to finish. It is due in 7th hour tomorrow. I could do it in the morning I guess, but crap I have that stupid counselor thing. I sit down on my bed and pull my books from my bag.

“What are you doing? I thought you wanted to go to bed.”

“I have to finish this paper for tomorrow. I counts for 20% if our grade. Remember?”

“You didn’t get that done yet.” Ok if I had gotten it done I would not be working on it right now.

“Nope.”

“Do you need any help?”

“Nah, I can do it.”

“Ok I am going to bed, sweet dreams Joely.”

“Night.”

I sit in my corner of the room trying to finish my report. While I should not say corner. This room is so small our beds have to be pushed together so that each of us has the room on each side of our bed. There isn’t anything else in here except for the two beds and the closet. We have posters all over the walls of our favorite bands. A guilty pleasure of ours. Not all our money has to go for rent and food. Rent isn’t really that bad between the three of us. Josh pays more, because he has the bigger room. We argued over it. Saying we should get it, because of us having to share, but he just wouldn’t give it up.

I look at my watch and notice it is 2:57. Shit I am not going to get any sleep tonight. I look over at Benji. He can sleep so peacefully even with the over-head light on. He looks like an angel when he sleeps. His soft breathing can easily put me to sleep. It always has. I look down at my paper. I am finally finished, but I am not happy with it. It will have to do through, I really need some sleep.

I lay down my books on my side and turn the over head light off. I crawl into bed and as soon as my head hits the pillow I’m out.

*******************************************************************

“Hey Joel hurry up, Your going to be late!” NO it can’t be morning already. I just went to sleep.

“Ya I’m up. What time is it?”

“7:30.”

“Shit. I have to go in early today to see the counselor again.”

“Why.”

“Well I have to meet one of the guys on the . . . . . . .well the . . . .”

“Spit it out Joel we don’t have all day.”

“The wrestling team.”

“WHAT!? Why the heck would you want to do that?”

“Well the guy said that I would have a better chance at getting into college if I was in some kinda sport or club. He thought wrestling would be good for me.”

“Oh Joel I don’t think so. I mean it’s a full contact sport. Those guys are really tough. I really don’t think it would be good for you. You should join some kinda club or something.” Why doesn’t he think I could do this. Everyone thinks I am some weak little baby. I can do this and I will.

“Lets just get going. Ok Benji. I haven’t decided whether or not I am going to do this.”

“Joel please don’t even think about it. I don’t want to see you hurt.”
“Lets just go to school.”

**********************************************************************
{8:05 Counselors Office}

“Joel its so nice that you showed up. I didn’t think you would.”

“Ya I’m here. So who is it that I ‘m going to be talking to.”

“Are you really interested?”

“Ya.” I can’t believe this. I can’t believe that I am doing this.

“Well Paul Thomas is the head of the wrestling team. He could explain a lot of the sport to you.”

“Ok, where is he?”

“In my office come on in.

So ok I rewrote chapter one, because I am stupid like that. Its just easier to read.

UGH!!!

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 17:47:27 GMT

‘Once upon a time’
Author: Nikki (freekynikki) ( freekywithbenji)
Rating: pg (for now)
Summary: Benji works at Sam Goody and Joel works at Hot Topic. They are already a couple in this one. They have been living together for a year. Sounds boring already, but I am going to try to liven it up a little. An AU fic. I thought I would try it out. My first. Some unexpected turns to come. Nothing is off limits or unrealistic in this one.
Pairing: Joel/Benji
Disclaimer: I do not own or have anything to do with Benji or Joel Madden. They have never done any of the things mentioned in this fic.

(Prov: Benji)

Why does this stupid shit always happen to me. I am twisted up in the kitchen phone cord. You know the ones that hang on the wall in the kitchen with those really long cords that could reach all over the house. How fucking retarded am I? You would think I would get one of those cordless phones by now. I could afford it, but this one came with the house. I just never got around to getting a new one.

That is on my list for today. I need a new phone, oh and some rice. I could live on white rice, but Joel makes me eat other things. I hate it when he makes me eat breakfast. I don’t mind breakfast food just eating it in the morning. For some reason when I eat in the morning I feel sick for the rest of the day. Don’t ask me why. Its just me being me.

I do love cereal and pancakes. I could eat cereal right out of the box. Like for a snack while watching tv. I think its better then chips; Joel just looks at me weird. He likes his in a bowl with milk. I really love Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I didn’t really think I would like it, but there is just something about it.

Sitting back with a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch while watching Law and Order Special Victims Unit is my idea of relaxing. I have to admit that I like watching that show. Joel thinks I’m nuts for watching it, but I can’t help it. Its my addiction. The one thing other then rice that I enjoy doing. Wait that didn’t come out right.

I really have to unpack. We have lived here like four months and I still haven’t unpacked. I just think ‘what’s the point?’ I am always gone anyway. As soon as I am off one shift I am on another one, but I can’t complain. I make pretty good money as the manager of Sam Goody; not great money, but enough to live on. I admit that the shit I have to deal with every day really sucks and it adds up after a while but you learn to live with it.

This is my first day off in like a month, and Joel is still sleeping. I wish he would get up. I am so bored being up by myself. I already called my parents, and my sister Sarah. I even called Joel’s mom, she has to be the nicest women alive; besides my sister that is. I got up at five this morning and I needed to have someone to talk to. I was so bored just sitting here. Its only 8:00 a.m. and I have already been up for three hours. We went to bed early last night. I think we where in bed by eight, and not in the way that everyone would think. I don’t know how Joel can sleep so much. He usually gets up with me when I go to work and he is up when I get home. I usually pull doubles all the time, so I am gone from 7 a.m. to 12 a.m. Maybe he is catching up on his sleep today, or maybe this is what he usually does. Either way I wish he would get up.

He doesn’t have to go to work until later this afternoon. He works in the mall at Hot Topic as one of the associates there. Which means he runs the cash register and stocks shelves. Joel hate to stock shelves. He says its boring and the boxing dry out his hands. Joel has a things about soft hand; while his hands anyway. The one good thing about him working there is that we only work a few stores down from each other so when we are both at work we try to take our breaks together.

I first met Joel at Hot Topic. He had purple hair then, and I thought he was hot. I would go in there everyday just to catch a glimpse of him. I guess you would call that stalking. He finally came up to me and asked me out. I later found out that he knew that I was just going in there to see him. He said that he got sick of ringing up eyeliner for me, and that he thought I might have enough by now. He was right, I must have had about 30 pencils of eyeliner. In four different colors. I still have like ten of them.

Our one year anniversary is coming up and I have to figure out what I am going to get him. I have been thinking of a ring. Yes an engagement ring, but Joel is the kind of person that does not believe in marriage. He says that people get tied down and then they get crazy. I really don’t blame him for the way he thinks. His dad was a real asshole. The guy cheated on his mother for years then took off with their money and left the two of them broke and starving. I know Joel has some trust issues when it comes to me and commitment, but I can’t help but want to marry him and take care of him, he deserves it.

My childhood was a happy one. I know the value of marriage and what it could do for a couple. My parents where loving and understanding, and I grew up in a environment that neutered a child into thinking that marriage and kids where what they wanted when they grew up. That is what I want and I have been trying to convince Joel of this for the past four months. Ever since we moved into this house.

I guess I should just be happy that Joel agreed to move in with me. He was not very into the idea when I presented it to him. We spent almost all of our time together anyway, we might as well have lived together. Joel did not see it that way. . .

This is so boring. . I thought it would be better. My gosh. . . I hate myself right now.

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 04:49:28 GMT

HATE ME
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Joel or Benji. This did not happen to the best of my knowledge.
Summary: This is my first fic. The first 5 chapters anyway. The rest is being rewritten. I will update as I go.
Rating: PG 13 (fighting)
Chapters 1-5

Chapter 1
Author: Freekynikki
I changed some things around in these chapters. I rewrote the whole thing. Don't ask me why.

To start off with, my name is Benji madden and my life sucks. My father is an asshole, my mother is dead, and my own twin brother hates me. The most important person in my life hates me. He told me I ruined his life, and I know his right. I can still remember that day.

“Benji! How could you!”

“I’m Sorry Joel.”

“You hurt me you know that.”

“Yes,” I could see his heart breaking and I can feel that mine was also.

“It’s all your fault, you ruined my life.”

That is the last thing my brother had said to me. Everyday I wake up and hope that this would be the day he will talk to me, acknowledge me or even just come home so I can see him. It’s tearing me apart not being able to talk to him or even hang out with him like we used to. We where never apart.

Now I never see him. He never comes home. I am lucky to see him once a week. He has been living with friends. He doesn’t even want to be in the same room with me, let alone the same house. He does have to come home sometimes. Our dad makes me go get him, when he realizes that his gone. Who knows why since I am here to give into his every whim.

So here I am sitting here with my good for nothing drunken, who knows what he is on, piece of crap for a dad. Getting him beers when he needs them and cleaning up after his sorry good for nothing ahh

KNOCK KNOCK

Now who the hell could that be.

Opening the door slowly, because this crappy door creaks really load, I am surprised to see standing on the front stoop, my best friend billy. ‘What the heck is he doing here?’

“Hey bill, what are you doing here?” I am trying to sound enthusiastic, but it doesn’t sound like it because I have to try to keep my voice low.

“Hey benj, I think you should come to my house right now.”

“Why what’s the matter”

“Benj I cant say, I just need you to come to my house with me right now!”

Wow, something must be really wrong. I mean billy never acts like this. His is always so laid back and confident. He never gets upset about anything. I remember once when we where like ten years old Joel fell out of our club house and broke his foot. Don’t ask me how. It just happened. We where all freaking out, including Joel, and billy was the only one of us who stayed calm and gave directions of what everyone should do.

I have not really been seeing any of my friends lately. After me and Joel got in that fight everything kinda went down hill. The band fell apart because Joel did not want to be in the same room as me. I would not have had a problem with it, but Joel stopped coming after a few weeks. I guess he thought I could get the hint with all the evil glares he was throwing me that I would just stop going, but I guess I didn’t, so he stopped going.

Looking up I notice billy is starting to leave me behind. He just doesn’t seem to realize that my legs are shorter then his. His not even looking back to see if I am behind him. I grab my hoodie and try to catch up with him. He lives right down the street about two blocks away. We are coming up on his house now. I am starting to hear load crashing and screaming. What the heck is going on.

Suddenly my hand starts to sting. OMG JOEL. I cant help but be scared out of my mind. Joel is hurt and I know it. I guess no matter how long we are away from each other we still have the twin thing. I know! I mentioned the twin thing, I hate it to, but there is no getting away from it.

Without realizing it I start to run at top speed pushing billy out of the way when we get to the front door. I try opening the door but it will not budge. There is something up against it. I start to push against the door trying to get it to open. Finally it gives way.

Agh fuck! Blood is gushing everywhere. I am trying to hold my nose while someone shoves me into the wall. I can’t see who it is, I think who ever it is broke me nose. I can’t believe this. I am getting the crap beaten out of me, and I don’t even know who it is. Finally they’ve stoped. Who ever it was really kicked my butt. I cant even get up.

I feel someone shacking me and hollering my name. I try to answer, but I cant seem to make a sound. I feel myself drifting in and out. I am awoken by sirens. Someone grabbing me and putting me on a stiff board. I try opening my eyes , but I am to weak. I manage to get out a weak ‘Joel’ I can still feel him. He must be close.

“SEE HE NEEDS ME, LET GO! LET GO!”

I feel him grabbing at my arm, while they are putting me into the ambulance. Well at least I think it is the ambulance.

“Son you can see him when you get to hospital, but for now you have to tell me
what happen here today.”

Chapter 2

I awake in a neat little white room. The only thing that I can smell is disinfectant. I must be in a hospital. You can never forget that smell. I guess it is suppose to make you feel better that you are in a sterile place. I just feel even more sick. I am slowly starting to remember what happened. What did happen? Who kicked my butt? More importantly why?

I look around me trying to take in my surrounding. I try to sit up, but I am attached to a big bunch of cords, wires, and I V’s. Fuck I hate being like this. Helpless. I start to look around the room. There is no one here with me. I have to admit, I couldn’t help to have hoped that Joel would have been here, but I should have known better. I just wish that I could take the last 6 months back.

I remember the day we came home and found our mother lying in the living room with a gun in her hand and blood all around her. Joel was still out-side getting the mail. I remember thinking. ‘Joel can’t see this. I turned quickly to try to stop him from coming in, but I was to late.

The color had drained from his face leaving him pasty white. He then started to scream. I couldn’t hear him, but I knew that he was. I could feel it. Before I knew it I was being pushed aside by paramedics and police. I turned around to see where my brother was. I still couldn’t hear anything but seemed to have known that he went outside or maybe I just thought he was since I was.

Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. People running everywhere trying to figure out what happened. I don’t know when, but my father had gotten there. He was running towards us screaming ‘what happened’. I remember standing there wondering the same thing. ‘What happened?’ I didn’t realize, but it had grown dark around me. I could feel someone dragging me back into the house and putting me into my bed. Do not ask me who, I still can’t remember seeing Joel for the rest of that day.

I got up the next morning and I couldn’t help but think it was just a dream. You know when you get up after having a really bad dream and you have to look around to make sure it was just a dream. But shit this wasn’t a dream. I could not just wake up from this horrible nightmare. I couldn’t just turn to my brother and laugh at him while he gets ready for school. Joel was always clumsy. He tripped over something or other every morning.

That morning was different, Joel was still lying in bed, his shoulders shacking slightly. I knew he was crying. I couldn’t help but think ‘why didn’t I cry yet?’ Am I just that heartless. My own mother died and I haven’t cried yet. Well she didn’t die, she killed herself. She took the easy way out. How could she? Why would someone every do that to the ones they love? I can’t help but hate her. How could she do this to us, her husband, her boys. Did she care that much about us.

I look over at Joel wishing that he would just stop crying. I am starting to get a little pissed off at him; because he wasn’t angry at her. Cant he see that she was not worth crying over. She did this to us. She was the one that left. Why should we cry over someone if they really didn’t care about us in the first place.

That is when it came to me. . .

Maybe I was the one that pushed her over the edge. Maybe I was the one that everyone should blame for this. Maybe if I hadn’t told her. Maybe If I just did n’ t think about him or look at him all the time with wanting in my eyes. Maybe if I loved him the way I should have loved him. The way a brother should love a brother.

YES I love my twin brother in a way that is illegal in 48 out of the 50 states, and yes I told my mother about my feeling for Joel. It was exactly one week ago .....yesterday. SHIT it was me. If only I didn’t tell her, but I just had to tell someone. I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer.

I couldn’t tell Joel about my feelings, because I knew that he would not be able to take it. He would hate me for life. He has always been the more sensitive one out of the two of us. He would not be able to handle something like this. Even if he did like me that way, he deserves so much more then what I could give him. I don’t even think he’s gay. I don’t think he knows that I am gay.

When I told her I thought maybe she would be able to tell me how to fix it. That is what parents are suppose to do. . . . . . right. They are suppose to tell you how to take care of all your problems. She just sat and stared at me. After about 15 min. she got up and left the room. She hadn’t talked to me since. While I guess she is not ever going to talk to me again.

I look over at Joel. I Could feel his heart hurting. I could feel his heart seizing in his chest. It was cutting off my air. I know I have to tell him that it was all my fault. That I am the one that took his mother away from him so young in his life. His only sixteen and his mother is gone. His never going to see her again. Well until he gets to heaven. I have no doubt in my mind that he is going to heaven. Me? I’ll burn in hell for what I have done.

“Joel...’ no answer.

“Joel are you alright?” Still no answer. I know that he heard me. I get up from my bed and cross the room. I put my hand on his shoulder. He flinched away from my touch. He actually flinched away from me. IT like my worst nightmare has come true. Jumping up from his bed, he went to his closet and started packing clothing into his backpack.

What the heck does he think he is doing. I walk up behind him and grabbed him
by the shoulders to turn him around. He spun around and slapped my right in the face.

“What the heck was that for”

“For this!!” he screamed throwing a piece of paper at me. I picked up the paper
and read:

Dearest husband

I just can’t live with this anymore. I am so sorry. How could this happen to us. After what Benji told me I just couldn’t take it. . . . .
Now I am harboring two secrets.

I hope you forgive me.
Take care of our boys
no matter what happens.

I couldn’t believe it. She just told everyone that I was the reason that she killed herself. When I looked up Joel was already out the door. I run and catch up with him right before he reaches the bottom step.

“Joel”

“Benji! How could you!” He said spinning around.

“I’m Sorry Joel.”

“You hurt me you know that.”

“Yes,” I could see his heart breaking and I knew that mine was also.

“It’s all your fault, you ruined my life.”

“Please Joel, can we talk about this?”

“NO! Not right now. I will be back later maybe we can talk then.”With that he left.
I waited for hours that night. Finally falling asleep at about three in the morning. I awoke a few hours later to something running down my face.

I wake up slowly looking up into a pair of eyes. Unrecognizable to me. I finally focus and see that it is my dad, pouring some kind of liquid on me. I slowly sat up and then I was meet with a fist to my right eye. It was the first time my father ever hit me and I knew at that moment that it wouldn’t be the last. I knew that he must have been the one that found the note and gave it to Joel. He blamed me.

I got the worst beating of my life that morning. Well until now I guess. I look around at the empty hospital room. I couldn’t help but think, this is what I deserve.
To be alone....

Chapter 3

Man what is that sound? I can’t stand being in the hospital. The weird smells, the beeping and buzzing of machines, and the stupid nurses that bother you every half hour. They come in and ask you stupid questions. Like ‘why aren’t you sleeping?’ I would be sleeping if you would just leave me alone. I just wish for once that I would have the guts to tell them off.

I wish someone would shut off that buzzing noise. It’s driving me nuts. It is soon going to force me to open my eyes. I really don’t want to open my eyes. They sting when I open them plus I really don’t want to wake up right now. It will take me forever to get back to sleep. I must have stayed up all night just listening to the nurses going in and out of the patients rooms. Ahh. finally the nurse is coming. I can always tell when they come down the hall. Their shoes are all the same. They all make a shuffling noise well walking. I don’t know if all nurses walk with a shuffle or their shoes are to be.

“Sir we are very busy here, we can’t always run to ever patients bedside, unless it is an emergence.” Who is she talking to?

“Nurse the machine has been buzzing for half an hour, its going to wake him up.” Joel? It cant be. He wouldn’t be here. He hates me.

I hear someone walk out of the room. I am not sure who it is. The nurse or Joel, if it is Joel that is. I open my eyes slowly to see who it is. My eyes are burning, but I do my best to scan the room to see if anyone is there. I finally see someone in the corner of the room. My eyes are still not in focus, but I stare at the figure until I can make out who it is. This is very difficult since the room is pitch black except for the street lamp outside.

Which has to shine right onto my bed, blinding me. The figure seems to have noticed that I am awake. It turns to me walking slowly into the light. Oh God! Joel! I can’t believe he’s here. He is staring into my eyes. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My mind keeps screaming look away, look away, but I can’t seem to tear my gaze away from his. I knew that I couldn’t just lay here in silence staring at him. I have to say something, but what.

“Joel?” It was weak, but I know that he heard me..

“Ya.”

“What are you doing here?”

“You’re my brother, I couldn’t just turn my back on you.”

“I mean you got the crap beaten out of you. I couldn’t just ignore what happened.” I have no idea what to say to him. I have a million question running through my head, but I couldn’t seem to find a way to say them.

“Benji? Are you ok? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”SAY SOMETHING SAY SOMETHING!!!

“Ok I think I better go now. I mean I should let you get some rest. You look really tired.”
Say something. What is the matter with me.

“NO!” Good job Benji. Yell at him.

“What?”

“Please Don’t go. I need you here with me.” God I sound like a loser.

“But.....”

“No buts please.....I just need you to stay with me.” I could tell he was torn. I knew he didn’t want to stay, but I knew he didn’t want to leave me.

“Ok”

**************************************************************

We have been sitting here for over an hour not saying anything. Just kinda staring into space. I really want to say something to him about what got us to this point. I know it’s the wrong time, but I really want to clear this crap up once and for all. I know that this is going to hurt him, but I have to tell him. I can’t go through the rest of my life without him.

I would rather know we had no chance of ever being together; then to go through life always thinking of the what could have happened. I also need to have him know that I did not mean to have made mom do what she did.

“No Benji, not now” I am starting to hate this twin thing.
“What not now.”

“Benji don’t play stupid.”

“I am not. I don’t know why you always have to talk to me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like talking down to me, and acting like your better or something.”

“No I don’t...”

“Yes you do. You blame me for mom, I know that. I am not saying that it wasn’t my fault. I am glad to take the blame, but you didn’t even want to talk about it. You turned your back on me. Didn’t you think that I was hurting to. My own mother wrote a suicide note telling everyone that I was to blame. That she killed herself because of me.”

“Benji, please don’t so this..”

“NO! I am sick and tired of trying to shield you from every little thing. Trying to make sure that JOEL doesn’t get hurt, JOEL isn’t sick, JOEL is feeling fine today, JOEL.......I love you. I have loved you from the day that I could even comprehend the word love. Joel, I will always be there for you. Don’t forget that. No matter what you think of me or what you do to me I will always be there for you.”

“Benji ....Stop it. I can’t handle this right now.”

“So when Joel, when will this be convenient for you?”

“Benji stop it. I mean it.”

“Ok, fine, Just answer me one question and then you can run away.”

“BENJI...ahh...What?”

“Who did this to me?”

Chapter 4

“I can’t”

“Why not”

“You will be really angry with me”
“ I am already pissed at you. It can’t get any worse.”

“Please Benji don’t make me tell you” Oh the little prick. If I could only get up from this hospital bed I would kick his ass. Who the heck would he be protecting.

“Benji I have to go.”

“No Joel, I need you to tell me who it was.”

“I cant. Ok. I just can’t”

“Who are you protecting?”

“I will come to see you tomorrow. Bye Benj”

“Whatever.” What I really wanted to say was don’t bother. I really didn’t
want him coming back tomorrow just to pretend that nothing was going on.

**************************************************************
(The next day)

Well I have been waiting for him all day and he hasn’t shown up yet. It’s already Eight o’clock p.m. and visiting hours end in an hour. I knew he wouldn’t come back today. He was scared , I could tell. He didn’t want to hear what I had to tell him.

Knock, Knock. Maybe I’m wrong.

“Come in”

“Hey Benj, how you feeling?”

“Paul, what are you doing here?” That was a stupid question I know, but
that is usually what you ask people so whatever.

“Nothing much dude, just checking on ya.”

“Oh cool. I’m fine. I think I might get out tomorrow.”

“That’s great.”

“Ya, what’s the matter Paul? Your never this quite. You would usually be talking my ear off.” This is starting to worry me.

“Benj. . . .I need to tell you something. About the other day. . . . . You know when you got beat up.”
“Ya”

“Do you know what it was about?”

“No, I was trying to get Joel to tell me yesterday, but he wouldn’t say anything about it.”

“Well its about Joel. Since you guys had that fight he has been different. You know. . . . . . I mean at first it was nothing. A little drinking here and there. Then well. . . I mean he is my friend and so are you. I just don’t want to see him hurt or you for that matter. He will be so mad at me if I told you.”

“Paul Just get to the point”

“Well . . . . . . Joel has been into some bad things. . .”

“What kinda bad things?”

“Well. . . . .”

“PAUL please just tell me!”

“Ok, ok calm down. . Joel has been working for this guy named Tony.”

“I know him. What has Joel been doing for him?” I am not to worried right now. I know Joel, and I don’t think he would do something that would get him into to much trouble. He has always been the rational one. Tony dabbled in pimping, drugs and stolen items. It wasn’t uncommon for one of us to sell stolen goods for him for a little extra money.

“Well. . . Joel has been selling . . . Drugs for him and I think he . .oh god. is starting to
get into different things now. I think he is getting in deep, and I don’t know what to do.”

“What do you mean getting in deep.”

“I think . . . He might be getting into. . . Giving other men company. . .you know for. . . for money.”

“WHAT!” Oh god what the heck is happening here. Oh god! It not bad enough he is selling drugs, but my Joel is selling himself?

“Are your sure?”

“No. I am not completely sure, but I have an idea. Joel mentioned something about getting out of here. He said that he had some trouble and that he had to leave.” Joel was going to move and not even tell me?

“So what makes you think he is . . . selling himself.” That just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t want to think that Joel does things like that.

“That day. . the day you got beat up. .”I shook my head. I am not really sure why. It just seemed like Paul needed me to so that he would be able to continue.

“Well. I heard Billy talking on the phone with someone. He told them that it was not the best idea to come over. That they should just leave him alone. Then he said that he didn’t deserve to be treated that way.”

“So. Billy could have been talking about anyone.”

“No I know now that it was Tony. I asked Billy about it.”

“Well then. Who did this to me Paul?”

“Tony”

“Why would he want to beat me up?”

“Well Joel told me that Tony said that if he didn’t get his money, he would go after you.”

“So let me get this straight. Joel decided to set me up.”

“NO. That is not it. When you got there they where already fighting, I mean Tony was kicking the crap out of Joel.”

“I didn’t see any bruises on Joel?”

“No He was kicking him in the stomach and back. Any where that wouldn’t be shown to others. He told Joel he couldn’t kick him in the face because it would ruin business. Tony, seen you running to the house and decided to kick your butt to. It would teach Joel a lesson he said.” I can’t believe this. This is such shit. Why does my life continue to get worse.

“Why was Joel fighting with Tony?”

“I think he was trying to get out.”

“Really?”

“Ya. Billy told me that Joel was not comfortable with it all.”

“Why didn’t Billy tell me this? Since he seems to know everything.”

“I don’t know. I just knew that you had to know what’s going on.”
“Thanks for telling me Paul.”

“Benj, What are you going to do?”

“Nothing”

“What! What do you mean nothing?”

“I mean nothing. Paul I think you should go now.”

“But Benj”

“Paul just go.”

“Ok see you later I guess.”

“Ya bye.”

Once again I have to fix his stupid problems. How could Joel do this. How the heck am I going to fix this.

*******************************************************

“Mr. Madden, its time to go.”

“I’m ready.” Man thank god I am getting out of here. I don’t think that I could have stand another day in this dump.

“Do you have anyone picking you up?”

“No” I haven’t seen Joel since our last argument and Paul was busy with work. My dad, what a joke. I bet he hadn’t even noticed that I was gone.

“So who is picking you up?”

“I’ll walk.”

“Mr. Madden, I don’t think that is a good idea. Your health?”

“Its not a problem” I wait until she wheels me outside before I get out of the wheelchair. I start walking, but I have no idea where I am going. I start walking to Billy’s house. Since he doesn’t live far from me. I guess I could go there and try to find out the whole story. Billy has to know what is going on. Joel always confided in Billy when he had a fight with me or our parents. No one else would upset him as much as family does I guess.

I don’t know why, but I already felt scared. I have a really horrible feeling building up in my stomach. I reached up to knock and before I knew what was happening the door flew open and I was knocked off the stoop into the yard.

Oh man not again.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!” Joel?

“Joel GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!”

“No Benji, not until you tell me what you are doing here?”

“Joel I didn’t come to see you. I came to see Billy.”

“I don’t care. You have to go home. RIGHT NOW.”

“Why.”

“You just have to. Ok?”

“Only if you come by later and explain all of this crap to me.”

“Explain what crap to you?”

“You know what I am talking about Joel. DON’T PLAY STUPID.”

“I’m not. I have no idea what you are talking about.”

“Fuck Joel! I know about Tony ok. Just come off it.”

“You know?”

“Ya”

“Benj I can explain everything.”

“Well do it then.”

“I can’t right now. I will come by later, but for right now you have to go home.”

“Fine, but you better come home tonight or I will come looking for you.”

“Fine, fine Just go home.” Man. I thought he would never let me do. He can be pretty strong when he wants to be. I go home to find out how the house is. I know its probably a mess by now.

I walk into the house expecting to see my father passed out on the couch, but he wasn’t there. The house was even clean. Everything was spotless. Ok maybe I walked into the wrong house. I go outside to check, but it’s the right house. 234. What the fuck is going on here.

RING RING

“Hello”

“Hello Is this Benjamin Madden.”

“Ya”

“This is Officer Galfman down at the Waldorf police department. I was calling
about your father. We have him in custody here.”

“What?”

“We have had him here for 3 days now, and he is expected to have a trial date
in a month.”

“What are you keeping him for?”

“Grand theft auto.” ah man.

“You can come down and pick him up. His bail is eight thousand. If you don’t he will have to stay here until his trial and at that time he might get up to five years in prison.” What to do? What to do? I know I don’t have eight thousand dollars and I don’t think I could get it from anyone. I don’t really want to go after him anyway. Maybe if he sits in jail for a month he would sober up for a while and see the error of his ways. Ya right.

“Son it is up to you if you want come get him. I just had to make the call.”

“Thank you officer. Good bye”

“Bye”

********************************************************************

I spent the rest of the afternoon just hanging out. This has been the first time in a long time that I had the chance to be able to just sit and not have to worry about getting my but kicked or hollered at for no reason. Fuck this is the greatest. They could keep him for the rest of my life for all I care.

I couldn’t help but think back over the last six months. I was scared every day because of him. Scared that he would come home and beat me for no reason. Of course he would make up some excuse for it. Like the couch was not clean enough. What the fuck! How the hell can you get a couch spotless. The only way you could do that is buy a new one, and I know that we do not have the money for that.

During the last last few months the beatings have gotten worst. He had taken to playing games with me. Little sick games. If I didn’t do the laundry right he would wait until I would go to sleep then put out his cigarette on my stomach or back, which ever way I had been laying at the time.

I remember the first time he did it. I was in a pretty deep sleep I hadn’t even heard him walk into my room. I didn’t even feel him pull the blankets away from my body. He put it out on my stomach the first night. I found out later that billy even heard me screaming that night. Of course He didn’t know that it was me, but he said that he heard someone screaming and he thought someone was being killed. I never did tell billy that it was me.

None of my friends know anything about this. Not even Joel, and if I could help it no one was about to find out about it. I look down and I notice I am rubbing that spot. I don’t know how he knew, but he seemed to know the spot that would hurt me the most. Right below the rib cage. I now have burn marks all over my back and stomach, but that one hurt the most. I cant believe the people at the hospital didn’t ask me about them. They never did. I don’t think they even cared. Just another punk ass kid to them I guess.

I later tried sleeping with all my clothing on, but that didn’t work. He just whipped me with his belt until he could see the blood seeping through my clothing. Even now with all the crap that has happened I still remember one thing about all the beatings. He never said a word. At times I would pretend that it was not my father doing this to me. I would pretend that it was some sick maniac that broke in and he was trying to get information out of me. What information. . I don’t know. Just anything to get my mind off of what was happening.

Knock, knock

Thank god. I was starting to feel really sorry for myself.

I knew who it was before I answered.

“Joel” Opening the door

“Oh my god Joel what happened to you?” There was Joel sitting on the stoop
covered in blood.

“Benj, please . . . . Help me”

Chapter 5

I was speechless. I couldn’t move. I was on the brink of tears. Who could have done this to him. Who ever it was, is going to pay for what they have done to my Joel.

“Joel, can you stand up?”

“I don’t think so. It took all my strength just to get here.”

“Ok Joel I am going to carry you in.” I picked him up, but he kept wincing in pain. Every time I took a step it seemed excruciating to him. I finally get him to the sofa, and I put him
down gently.

“Joel please tell me what happened to you? Who did this to you?”

“Benj, just forget it. I will feel better in the morning.”

“But Joel . . .”

“No Benji, just let me . . .oohhh . . . rest for a while.”

“Ok Joel, but in the morning you have to tell me everything.”

“Benj . . .”

“No Joel, this time I mean it. I can’t let you go on like this.”

“Ok fine let me get a little sleep first.” With Joel resting I knew this would be a good time to go see billy. This time Joel will not be there to stop me from asking billy any questions. I did not want to leave him alone, but this had to be done.

I can feel the dread building up in my stomach. It feels like I am about to be sick. I must have been walking pretty fast because I am already at billy’s house.

Knock, Knock

Knock, Knock

What could billy be doing in there. I know that he is home. His car is here. In fact someone else must be here to because there are two cars in the driveway. Maybe they can’t hear the
door. I might as well just go in. It’s not as if I have never been here before. Billy has always told us we never had to knock. I still feel really strange about just going into someone else’s home uninvited.

I can hear the music blaring from Billy’s room. He has always listened to his music like that. He once told me the only way to listen to music is to listen to it load. He’s going to go deaf by the time his thirty.

I wonder if I should knock before I go in. Billy’s door isn’t usually closed. I don’t think he would mind if I just walked in. I don’t know why but I can’t help but open the door cautiously. Now that I got the door slightly open I can hear moaning. I should leave him alone. Billy probably has a girl in there.

Even through I know it is wrong I can’t help but want to look. I am such a pervert, but maybe his just watching porn. I will only take a peek. If his with a girl I will wait downstairs, if his doing his business I will just knock and I am sure he will put it away. All I have to do is open the door a little more and then I could see what is going on in the mirror. Billy always had a mirror against the opposite wall of his bed. His a little freaky I guess. I think he once told me he liked to look at himself well he. . . well you know.

Oh god, what is billy doing. It can’t be. It just can’t be. Billy, my best friend, is in there with a another guy. I never knew billy was gay, let alone into cross-dressing. Billy is in there with a little red teddy on sucking some guy off. Oh man I have to get out of here.

“Benji?” Oh shit he must have seen me.

“Ya”

“Go wait downstairs. Ok?”

“Ya, whatever.” I can’t believe I just seen that. And what’s worst I was totally turned on by that. I never knew how sexy billy was. Especially in a teddy. WOW. A soon as I get down stairs I contemplate weather or not to leave but before I could decide Billy comes down dressed in a robe. I can’t help but be disappointed. See I am a major pervert.

“Hey Benj man I am really sorry you had to see that.”

“Billy what was that, are you gay?” Stupid question Benj, of course he is gay, he wouldn’t be sucking some guy’s dick if he wasn’t.

“Well not exactly. I mean I am bi.”

“Fuck Billy. Why haven’t you ever told me.”

“I really didn’t know until a few months ago.”

“Oh. Well is the guy upstairs your boyfriend or something?”

“No. His a client.”

“WHAT!?” What the hell is going on. Is everyone a prostitute?
“Benji calm down. Its really nothing. I have been working for a year now and I like it.”

“Billy don’t do this to me I can’t take it anymore. This is to much. Wait. Are you the one that got Joel into this?”

“No . . .That was all Tony. Yes. Joel knew about me doing this from the first day. Before the first day even. I discussed it with him. He didn’t want me to do it, but I needed the money. It was only after that I realized that I liked it.”

“Why did Joel even think about doing this then?”

“He realized that he needed money to get by. He thought it would be easy since I did it. He found out it wasn’t and wanted out.”

“Is that why Tony was beating him up?”

“I shouldn’t say anymore. Please Benji just go home. You do not want to be a part of this. Ok.”

“NO! Joel came home today.”

“So what. That is what you wanted. Right?”

“Not beaten up.”

“What?!”

“Yes”

“I need to know what is going on.”

“Benj, Joel will be really mad at me if I told you.”

“I DON’T CARE HOW MAD HE WILL BE AT YOU! I
NEED TO KNOW NOW!”

“Benji calm down . . . “

“Billy I will not CALM DOWN until you tell me what is going on. I am so sick of everyone telling me to calm down. I need to know what is going on.”

“Fine. Joel told Tony that he wanted out. Tony didn’t like it . He said that Joel had been making him a lot of money and he should just shut his month and keep working. Joel said no and that is when Tony started beating him. I went to get you and then you know what happened from there.”

I could feel the tears start to fall. I had knew what he was going to tell me, but I still was not ready for it. I feel like I am about to stop breathing. My heart feels like it has been
ripped out of my chest and flushed down the toilet. So its true. Joel worked for Tony, or works for him. I’m not sure.

“No billy . . .I mean I can’t believe any of this. How could this happen?”

“We both needed the money. Benji it was easy money.” I couldn’t process what he was telling me. I have to get out of here. I head for the door.

“Benji where are you going?” I don’t answer him I just keep going. I need to get back to Joel. I need for him to tell me this isn’t true. That this is just a bad dream. That the last six months is just a bad dream.

Thu, 09 Dec 2004 01:26:56 GMT

Love is just another four letter word 2'
Author: Nikki (freekynikki)(freekywithbenji)
Pairing: Joel/Benji
Rating: PG.
Summary: Benji thinks of forgiving Joel for everything. . But will it be to late.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything or anyone. This did not happen and if it ever does I will volunteer to run the camera.

I have been sitting here for over an hour. I am starting to get a little worried. Joel’s place is only like 25 minutes away from here. What could be taking him so long? Maybe he stopped for something; flowers? If he did I hope he brings roses. The light pink/peach color ones. I know it’s a little girly, but hey everyone has the right to be a little over-the-top sometimes.

Joel used to always surprise me with things like that. I think those where the best times in our relationship. He would just do things, to do them. All that soon stopped though; I can still remember the first day I noticed that he had changed.

He was in the kitchen pouring some orange juice, I walked up behind him wrapping my arms around him.

’Do you have to do that every morning.’

I was so shocked I just stood there for a few seconds. Arms still wrapped around him. Why did he say that, I still don’t know. I mean I know it doesn’t seem all that bad of a thing to say to someone, but he snapped at me. Out of nowhere. Joel was not a snappy person. In fact he actually hated being mad at people. He never wanted anyone fighting around him. After that morning things just got worst. He became even more snappy with me. I was never able to do anything right in his eyes. Everything I did had something wrong with it. It could be as small as slightly burning the toast.

At first He would just make some kind of snide remark. His favorite seemed to be ‘Can’t you do anything right?’ I guess I wasn’t able to since shortly after that he started giving little slaps across the face. Nothing really hard, just little taps on the cheeks. He never really started hitting me until later. It was mostly because he thought I was cheating on him. I never did, I swear, Billy is only a friend. Joel still thought I was messing around with Billy through.

At this time I was spending a lot of time at Billy’s because Joel’s temper was out of control. We would hang out, listen to music, or play video games. I just wanted to get away from the abuse for awhile. I guess just like all abusive relationships I thought that it would all stop. That Joel would realize that what he does to me is wrong and hurtful, and he would just stop doing it.

I was wrong. That is why I had to get out of there. I couldn’t let him hurt . . .

A car us pulling up, it must be Joel. It has been almost two hours since I got off the phone with him. What could have taken him so long? I might as well meet him outside. He knows that I have been waiting for him.

‘Knock, knock, knock’

Geez. . He must happen taken up speed walking while we where apart. I know I don’t take that long from the couch to the front door. I swing open the door, only to be meet with a face a didn’t expect.

“Josh! What are you doing here?” He looks horrible. He looks as if he has been crying. There are red marks going down the sides of his face and his noise is runny.

“Josh . What’s wrong? Are you alright? Did something happen?” I wonder why people do that. When someone is upset you should comfort them not ask them a borage of questions. I have to remember that for future reference.

“Oh Benj. . . Oh god.. .” I step forward just in time to catch him as he falls. Josh may look light and I admit I should be able to hold him up, but god this boy is heavy. I can feel myself start to slip so I slowly go down to the floor with him.

“Josh talk to me please.” There I go again. Wait until he calms down Benj!

“Something horrible has h-h-happened.”

“Take a deep breath. Calm down. Start from the beginning.”

“Ok . .” I should wait for him to calm down before I start probing him for answers. I try to think of all the things that could have gone wrong. A thousand things run through my mind. I have to try to stay calm. I must remember that Josh could be a drama queen at times. He always blew things way out of per portion.

Don’t get me wrong I love my big brother to death, but sometimes he just gets really upset for nothing. He was that kid that was really soft hearted. If you said the wrong thing to him he would just cry. It was as if you broke his heart. He acted as if the world had ended when our mom would holler at him.

Everyone, not in our immediate family, always assumed that Joel was the sensitive one. They where wrong. He is stronger then all of our family put together. I suppose if I didn’t really know them, I would think the same thing. Josh does look a whole lot stronger then Joel.

Joel. . God I miss him. Maybe I was way to harsh on him. . .

“Joel. . . . .” It takes me a minute to realize that I was not alone. I forgot Josh was here on the floor with me.

“What about Joel?” Maybe he picked up on what I was thinking about.

“J-Joel was in a a-a-accident. .”
******************************************************************************
(Joels Prov)

I can see people running all around me. Why is everyone in a hurry? What is going on? Am I missing something. I hear people yelling. . . screaming. What are they screaming about? Why am I crying? I can’t remember anything. All I remember is walking home from work and well that’s it.
“Son . . . . . . . Can you hear me? Tell me your name.” Someone is speaking to me now, or I think he is speaking to me. What the heck is going on? There is a burning sensation in my leg. I think it might be broken. I once broke my arm and well I couldn’t really feel it at first then later it stung like hell. My leg is starting to feel that way. So is my arm, and the same arm I broke before. That is just great.

“Son! Can you hear me!” Does this guy have to yell. I hear him just fine.

“ ya” I don’t think he heard me, but for right now that is the best I can do.

“What’s your name?” Maybe he did.

“J . . Joel . . .No . .”Ok now I am losing it.

“Is that your name . . Joel . .”

“Um.. . .Ya.”

“Can you feel this?” What the heck is he talking about. I can’t feel anything. Is he even doing anything. Could he just be messing with me. Would they joke around at a time like this.

“No. I can’t feel anything.”

“No feeling in left leg.” Is he talking to me or to the other people. I think there are other people around me. I’m not sure.

“Can you feel this Joel.” Did he just pinch me. I can’t believe it. I am laying here with a broken leg and he pinches me. Hello! I am in pain right now.

“Ya”

“Ok good. There is only slight numbness in your lower left leg. I don’t think its anything, but just in case we’ll brace it.”

OK either he was talking in French or I am just plain losing it. I didn’t understand any of that. I am not even sure if he was talking. This is starting to scare me. I want Benji. I need him. I can feel the tears start to run down my face once again. I hadn’t realized that I had stopped crying.

“Joel. . . . Joel!. . . . JOEL!.” I hear him but I don’t really care right now. I am so tired. I just need to close my eyes for a few seconds. . . . . .

(Ok an update. Nothing fab. . but hey I tried. )

A letter for you

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 03:33:18 GMT

Author: Nikki (freekynikki) (freekywithbenji)
Rating: pg 13 (I don’t think its that bad)
Summary: A letter from one twin to the other.
Pairing: Joel/Benji
Disclaimer: This did not happen. I don’t know or own Benji or Joel.
‘Standalone’

Why do thoughts of suicide always invade my mind at all times. I could be thinking of something completely different, then there it is. Sinking in at the back of my mind, invading my every thought. Lost and trapped in my own mind. I thought that one day this would all stop. That it would be over with. I would be happy and I would not want to hurt myself. I hate having these thoughts. I want to be happy just like everyone else.

I knew I was getting worst when I started to think of ways I could do it. A gun is to fast. Its not very beautiful. I want a beautiful death. Hanging myself is out of the question, still to painful and sickening. The whole thought of you finding me hanging from a rope is just to painful for me to think of. I don’t want to expose you to something that horrific. The only way I would want to go is by bleeding away. Ugh! The very thought makes me relaxed. The peace which comes over me is unbelievable. The thought of life slowly leaving me is so beautiful. Never ever having to worry about anything ever again, or anyone for that matter.

I guess that is not a good way to go, but to late now. I always thought I would never be able to go through with it. I would never take the last step after getting that knife out of the drawer. I would never go as far as pressing the sharp edge into my skin. I never thought I would be watching the blood seep out of my veins as fast as it is now. I never thought that it would be this fast. I am starting to get tired.

I’m sorry

I never meant to leave you alone.

I guess I was wrong. This world is not as unclear as I thought it was.
Iloveyou

My first attempt at a death fic. I don’t think I did to well. I was feeling a little depressed when writing this, but I don’t think that helped much. Leave comments if you feel like it. I would love it if you did.

‘Love is just another four letter word'

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 05:48:00 GMT

Chapters 1
‘Love is just another four letter word’
(OK I deleted the rest of these chapters and just put
this fic up as one chapter)
Author: freekynikki (freekywithbenji)
Date: Oct 5, 2004
Rating: Rated R
Pairing: Benji & Joel
Disclaimer: I do not own and this did not happen. I do not own Benji or
Joel or anyone else for that matter.
Summary: The title Pretty Much Tells all.

My heart is breaking, but I feel nothing. I am being strangled by the
world around me, not able to stop it. Sadness seeps in slowly, wrapping
me into its darkness. I am losing control. The most important thing in my
life . . . CONTROL. Slowly realizing I can’t control anything. Mindless and
insignificant words pour from everyone around me, but none of it makes
any sense. My mind betrays me with thoughts of death. To slip away would
be bitter sweet.

What made me think he would love me. Of course he wouldn’t. I could be the
most stupid person on earth. I loved him with all my heart. I couldn’t love anyone
anymore then I loved him. Now the word love is only another four letter word to
me. I laugh at the word. Is it just a word that we throw around? Is it a word
that we use to describe the tight chain that connects us to the people around us?

Am I wanted here? What are we all here for? These are the words that we ask
ourselves everyday. Today is no different.

Phone keeps ringing. I know who it is. I know he is worried. I just can’t pick the
phone up. I can’t hear the sadness in his voice. He feels bad for me. Sorry for me
even. No one has to feel sorry for me. I hate when people feel sorry for me. That
will not help me.

My answering machine is starting to get full. It is only his messages. Him begging
me to pick up the phone. I heard every one of them. All 109 of them. I machine
holds only 110 so this would be the last one. For the last five he was crying . . . All
I could say is, good. I have been doing it for years. He told me crying would get me
no where.
Well . . . . . . . . . . . Look who’s crying now.

I haven’t decided wether or not to delete his messages. The phone has
kept ringing even through the answering machine is filled. I can feel his
desperateness through every ring.

I keep thinking ‘I’ll pick up on the next ring.’ I just can’t bring myself to do it.
I can’t see myself forgiving him for what he has done. He will never know how
much he has hurt me. Big bad Benji. Hurt by a few simple words.

I can’t seem to get those words out of my head. His words keep repeating over
and over again like a broken record or a scratched CD. Maybe it is because I can’t
think about anything but him. Even after everything he has done to me through
the years. I can’t seem to be mad at him.

My very first memory is of Joel. I knew even at that young age that I would not be
able to survive without him. He knows that I can’t live without him, I can’t breath
without him. So why wont I pick up the phone?

I don’t know.

I love him with all my heart, with all my being. I don’t know a world without him
there. This has been the longest we have been apart. Two months! The first was the
hardest. I think I am starting to get used to being alone. I know I am not
completely alone. I have Billy, Paul, and Aaron.

Billy has come to see me every day since it happened. In fact he was the one that
took me out of there. He told me it was not a way I should be living. He was
right. I shouldn’t just wait around for him to come home from whatever bar
he was at. I quite for him! Why couldn’t he quite for me?

The violence was getting out of hand. I never hit him. I swear. There was
plenty of times where I wanted to. I wanted to have him feel the way I felt.
Every slap, punch and kick. I would just lay there. To scared to get up. I was
not scared of what he would do. No. I was scared of what I would do.

I knew that one day I wouldn’t be able to take it. I knew that I would brake
one day. Just go off like a mad man. That day was approaching fast. I couldn’t
stand it anymore.

It was getting bad. I admit it. We where fighting almost everyday. All because
of what was in that damn bottle. He told me that it was him, and that I better
get used to it. I would throw it back in his face and tell him that I gave it up.
Even when I thought that there was no return. That is when it starts. I call
him a worthless drunk and he accuses me of sleeping around. With billy of
all people.

I was never attracted to anyone but him. Yes I admit I have had my flings, but
so has he. I stopped as soon as I found out I was hurting no one but me. While
I was hurting him to. Without realizing it, but I realize it now.

He was not always like this. He helped me out of some bad situations. He was
always the one that would be able to stop after only one beer. Not me. I would
have to drink to get drunk. I don’t know when we switched places. I just wish
I could have caught it. I wish I could go back to that time, that moment, that
second that it happen. I wish I could help him.

I realize now I can’t be the one that gets him out of his situation. He has to do it
for himself. No one could make you do anything you don’t want to do.

Billy has kept me updated on what has been happening with him. At first Joel
would just sit around the house and drink. When someone would come over he
would tell them that he is fine and well rid of me. Now I am not sure what he is
doing. Billy really doesn’t tell me much more then what I need to know. All
I know is that he is not ill.

The phone hasn’t rung in about twenty minutes. Maybe he has given up. I
know that I should be happy about that, but I can’t help but feel hurt.

*RING*

“Hello!” I am a fucking idiot.

“Hello, Benji?” Oh its just billy. Looking over at the clock it
blinked 9:04 p.m. He usually checked up on me about this time. He usually
came over through.

“Ya. Hey bill what’s up?” I really didn’t want to talk to him right now,
but I can’t be mean to him after all his done for me.

“I was just checking on you man. Are you ok?” Billy has always had the
mother like aspect of all of us. He wanted to make sure everyone felt
alright and when anyone was in trouble he would always be right there
along side of them.

“As good as to be expected.” I knew I could just call it like it was with
Billy. He would understand what I was going through and he never judged us
for what we where or who we loved. Just as long as we where happy.

That is why he came to get me that day. He knew that I was not happy.
He knew for a while what was going on. I think he hoped just like me
that it would just all stop one day.

“Benj. Your doctors appointment is tomorrow right?” Fuck I had already
forgotten about it. How could I have done that. That is what started all this.

“Ya. I had forgotten all about it until now.”

“Did you want me to go with you? I don’t think you should go alone.”

“Ya that would be great. They told me it would be best to have someone
with me.” For what I don’t know. I think I could handle this myself. I
never was one to depend on anyone. While anyone except Joel that is.

“Ok I’ll pick you up around eight then. The appointment is at nine right?”

“Ya.”

“Ok great I’ll see you in the morning then. Bye.”

“Bye Billy.”

Beep Beep

Damn call waiting

“Hello”

“B benj?” Shit no.

“What do you want Joel?”

“Benji I am so sorry about everything. I didn’t mean what I said.”

“Stop it! I don’t want to hear it. I have had enough Joel. I just can’t take
this anymore. What you did to me is unforgivable.”

“Benji it just hit me the wrong way.”

“No Joel. You hit me the wrong away. I can’t live like that anymore.
I don’t want to live like that anymore.”

“I know Benji I am so sorry. I am clean. I swear. Ask Billy. He helped
me get some help. I am in AA now and I have been to every meeting
this last month.”

“That’s good for you Joel.”

“No Benji please just listen. I am ready Benj. I mean I am not ready, ready,
but I am ready to try and be at least friends again. I am not asking any
more. Please.”

“Joel don’t make this hard for me. I can’t take this. I love you with all my
heart. I know the love that I have for you is something that will never
be replaced by anyone else. You’re my world, but this can’t be heathy.
I need a life Joel. I need a life out side of what we had. I realize now that
we where living in this world that was not meant to be lived in. Joel I love
you. I will always love you. You’re a part of me, but Joel I need to fine
myself in that part. It was always you.. . .”

“Benji I don’t know what to say. I can’t ever live without you. Please don’t
ask me to.”

“I’m not Joel. I know better. I know we cant live without each other.”

“Then what are you asking?”

“I don’t even know myself.”

“I need to see you. It has been way to long. I can’t stand being without
you.” I can’t say yes. I want to see him to. I need to be strong. I can’t
let him come over. Then it would be all over for me. He will walk in
the door and I will forget why I am doing this and he will forget all
about needing help and we will fall back into that horrible cycle.

“What time can you get here?” Ugh My big mouth!

HATE ME 20 Final chapter . . . .

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 01:15:10 GMT

'In a symbol lies concealment or revelation'
Chapter 20 Hate me

AUTHOR: FREEKYNIKKI

July 15, 2004

You know what’s great about turning 18. . . . Not having any troubles.
Their all forgotten. . . Well maybe not for other people. Some peoples
problems begin when there 18. Thinking about college and what
your going to do for the rest of your life.

Not us. Me and Joels problems are over with. No we are not going to
kill ourselves. For the last year we had to worry about people
knowing about us being alone. If people knew we would be wards of
the state and we would not being living here in our house any longer.

We told the officers that our aunt was coming to live with us. They
believed us and never bothered us again. When it came to teachers
conferences; while lets just say we never got bothered by them either.
They knew our father. They didn’t want to get into that. They never
found out about our dad getting arrested. Funny huh. . .

Well if you haven’t guessed I did end up going back to school. I realized
that I needed to finish. With some hard work me and Joel graduated this
spring. Between school and working two jobs it was hard. Joel also worked
but I only let him work one job. I didn’t want him getting stressed out.

Friends thought it was cool that we where on our own. Matt came to
live with us. That is what the whole movie thing was about. He needed
a place to stay. Of course he never knew about dad and what he did. We
just told him about the car jacking and assault charges. A few months later
billy came to live with us. He needed to get away from Tony. Thank god
this house was a three bedroom.

With all four of us paying the bills it wasn’t really that bad. Just a lot
of misunderstanding. Once we had the lights go out because Matt
forgot it was his month to pay the bill. And who could forget the
grocery bills. Oh god. . Four growing boys living in one house. . shit
did we go through the food. You might think it was matt and I but
fuck for being so small billy and Joel could really put away the food.

About me and Joel? While we are still going strong. He is learning how to
act in a real relationship. His starting to really show his feelings.

The real question that everyone wants to know is . . . . . . Does everyone
know about us and are they ok with it? Hey not everyone is happy. . . But
who cares. .

while final chapter. kinda makes me sad. . . . this is my baby. . . my first ever fic. i'll love it forever. . .or hate it. . .which ever i feel that day.

WOW same day update!!

HATE ME 19

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 01:11:13 GMT

Disclaimer: I do not own and this did not happen!!
Highschool fic
Author: freekynikki

Hate me 19

June 14, 2004

{Benji’s Prov}

I can’t help but take things the wrong way. I have always done that.
I always think the worst of situations. I drive myself crazy with
worry. I worry about weather or not Joel brushed his teeth in the
morning. Stupid? I know, but gum disease is very serious.

I am sure he did not mean anything by it, but it makes me
so scared. The thought of being alone; without him makes me physically
sick. I can’t live without him. He should know that.

I can’t believe I am letting this bother me. A few simple words.
Nothing to even worry about. So why am I still up. I can’t stand
being up when everyone else is asleep. Joel is sleeping so soundly.
I would hate to wake him up just because I can’t sleep. I should
just go to sleep. SLEEP, SLEEP you dumb fuck SLEEP!

I can’t get to sleep no matter how hard I try. I have already counted
like a thousand sheep. I had warm milk before I came to bed. I don’t
get warm milk. It sucks. Milk shouldn’t be warm. It should be ice cold.
Joel on the other hand hates his cold. I can’t understand why. It’s so
gross.

I slowly slip out from under his arm and leg. That is one thing about
Joel. When he sleeps he covers you with his body. I don’t know why.
Our mom told us he did that ever since birth. He kinda wraps his leg
around mine and his arm is slung across my chest. He doesn’t have a
death grip on me or anything. He just seems to sleep like that. Naturally.

I wonder if he does that with others. Am I the only one? I can’t help but
want something to be just ours. I would like to think that one thing with
Joel is sacred. I know he has been with other men. I know he has done
things with them. I just want one thing to be ours. Just one. I don’t
want anything else.

I know that we have the whole brother thing, but that is not enough. I
want something else. Something personal . Something that no one
knows about. Something that we can share; just to two of us.

I glance at the clock. Its only 8:30. I don’t have to go to work
today so I could have slept in. Which I was planning to do. What
the fuck is the matter with me.

“Benji what’s wrong?” Great I woke up Joel.

“Nothing Joel. . . . . Go back to sleep.”

“No. . . Are you sure there is nothing wrong? You usually sleep
like the dead.” I couldn’t help but laugh at that. He was right.
You couldn’t wake me up unless you hit me with a pale of water.
Until recently that is. I don’t think I had one good nights sleep
when Joel was gone. Plus who could sleep when your crazy father
was in the next room waiting for you to go to sleep so he could wake
you up in some horrific way.

“What are you laughing at.” His brown eyes are so beautiful when he
has that look of confusion within them.

“Nothing just you knowing me to well.” Joel seemed to have
understood me. At least I think he did. He didn’t answer. I think he is
waiting for me to speak. I don’t know what to say. I lean into him,
pressing my lips up against his. I don’t do anything for a minute. Its
one of those kisses that you would give your mother, but for not as
long as this. He starts moving his lips against mine. I open my mouth
granting him access.

I am starting to get a really painful hard-on. We have been making out
for about five minutes now without doing much else. I don’t want to
push Joel into something he is not ready for. I don’t want him to think
that he is obligated to do anything.

“Joel stop. . . . we need to talk about something.”

“Can’t it wait?” He is still trying to kiss me. I can feel his hard-on
against my side. Maybe he is ready for this.

“Ya, never mind.” I don’t give him time to respond. I practically
pounce him. I push him down on to the bed, attacking his already
swollen red lips. I start to work my way down. Stopping ever so often
to kiss some little feature. There are soft moans escaping from him as
I am kissing his neck; working my way down to his bare chest.

I nip at each nipple with my teeth. I think I might be a biter. The thought
of gently bitting someone drives me a little crazy. I work my way down
to his stomach and nibble at the side of it. He used to have a little bit of
baby fat, but now his seems so thin. Why am I letting these thoughts
distract me.

“What’s the matter?” Shit I didn’t even realize that I stopped. I look
up at him. He looks a little confused.

“Nothing. I got lost in my thoughts.” Why not tell him the truth. We
did promise to tell each other the truth no matter what.

“Oh, well can you concentrate at the feat at hand for a while. We
don’t want that brain of yours to go into overload.” What the fuck?!

“What is that suppose to mean?” Is he calling me stupid or something.
Does he think I can only think of one thing at a time.

“Nothing Benji. Just we where doing something then you stopped.”
Now his being sarcastic. I can hear it in his voice.

“Oh well . . . I am sorry for holding you up. I’ll leave so you can finish
without me. Since I am just to stupid to follow along.” God he could be
such an asshole sometimes.

“No benji stop. Please. I did not mean it like that. Its early and my brain
isn’t working right.” I look at him. He looks so pitiful.

“Fine, but don’t do that ok.”

“Ok.” I am not sure if he knew what I meant, but I really don’t care at
this point. My erection was coming back full force. Just seeing Joel
like that, him laying back onto the bed resting on his elbows, having
that come take me look, was just to much for me.

I slowly start back towards him, taking my shirt and undershirt off
on the way. Unlike Joel I can’t sleep in just pajama pants. I need a
t-shirt on. Two t-shirts actually. I get really cold during the night.
Especially my chest.

I get to him; slowly lowering myself onto him. Our lips don’t quite
touch, I just hover over him. We just lay there, me on top, nose to
nose staring into each others eyes. I don’t want to chicken out,
but I am starting to get scared. I have no idea what to do. I have
never been with anyone ever. I am a virgin in all sense of the word.

I am feeling really dumb; just staring at him like this. I am bagging
him with my eyes, hoping he will understand what I am trying to
say, wanting him to understand I don’t know what to do.

“Benji calm down. I wont test you afterwards.” haha.

“I’m scared Joel. I never done this before and I don’t . . . while
you know.” God I feel like an idiot. I should know these things.
This is like trying to learn how to swim. You don’t really know
how, you just jump in and hope for the best, but I can’t do that
with Joel. I want him to have a good time.

“Its ok Benji I’ll teach you. . . . . . . . . Just start off slow ok.
Do what you where doing before. . . Just follow your instincts.” Ok
that’s easy for him to say.

I look at him, not really sure what I am suppose to do, searching for
any clue into what I should do. I should just go for it. I look into
his eyes once more checking for any sign of turning back. None. . .

I lean down and start kissing his neck. I feel like I’m about to pass out
from being so scared. My airway feels like it is about to close up.

“Benji take a breath!” How the hell does he know these things?

I take a deep breath. I’m already to his happy trail. How the hell did
I get this far without noticing. I hook my fingers under the waist band
of this spider man pajama bottoms. Ok this is not very sexy, but is
your first time really suppose to be?

I pull them down quickly, to avoid any cliche moments. To pull
down his pants slowly admiring his creamy white skin is just to
cheesy for me. It reminds me of those stupid romance novels my
mom used to read. ‘Keeps the romance alive’ she said. Soft core
porn for house wives could be interesting through. I think their in
the basement. I have to remember to look for them .

Crap. Here I go again off in my own world. Joel doesn’t seem to mind
through. I look down at his penis. I don’t know why, but I can’t seem
to use any other word then penis. It would sound to much like I am in
a porno or something.

So what am I suppose to do now. Just start sucking on it like a
lollipop? I don’t even think I could get the whole thing in my mouth.
Joel is kinda big. He is bigger then me that’s for sure. I bend my head
down slightly and kiss the tip. I might as well just go for it. I open my
mouth allowing the tip of him to enter. I slowly start to suck at the tip.
This isn’t so bad. I kinda like it. I start to try and get more in, but I’m
really scared of choking on it.

“Benj just relax. Relax your throat a little and just let it glide in.” Ok. I
Can do this. I almost got half of it in. I just can’t relax my throat. I
quickly pull back. Starting to gag, almost throwing up. I’ve
always had an immediate gag reaction when something goes in a little
to far into my throat. I had always started to gag when the doctor
examined my throat. The little stick would always make me want to
throw up.

“Sorry Joel.”

“Its ok Benj. . . . . I should have known.”

“Known what?”

“This is way to fast for you. I don’t want it shoved on you like it was
for me. I would hate that, and there’s nothing to be sorry for. Not everyone
is a pro at it the first time. You have to get used to it.”

“Was it hard your first time?”

“I never thought about it. I just did it. Dad expected me to know what I
was doing right away and while . . he never gave me time to get used to it.”
I forgot that dad was his first time of ever doing anything sexual. I wish
I could have changed that. I stand up and sit next to him on the bed.

“I’m sorry Joel . . . For not being there.”

“Its not your fault. I’m over it. I ‘ll never let that asshole ever touch me,
or you for that matter for the rest of our lives.” Hearing Joel say that,
the way he said it. . . . I don’t know. . . .Just makes my blood run cold.

“Lets just forget about him ok?” I look up into Joels eyes. His staring
at me intensely. Like his studying me or something. I look down
embarrassed. I never like anyone’s full attention on me. It feels like they
see what I am hiding from the rest of the world. Like they can see into
my soul; in to the very center of me.

“Alright . . . . . What do you want to do?”

“Umm. . . . . . . . I don’t know.” I sound like a five year old.

“I’ve got an idea. If your up to it that is.” I finally get the courage
to look up at him. His still staring at me, with a look in his eyes I’ve
never seen before.

“S-sure.”

“Just lay down and get comfortable.” His pushing me down onto the
bed. I am getting really freaked out. Calm down Benji. His not going to
hurt you.

OK his kissing my neck. God this should feel good, but I am freaking
out. I can’t calm down. Take a deep breath. Why am I acting like this.
What the fuck is the matter with me?

“Are you ok?”

“Yay. Why do you ask?”

“No reason. Just checking.” He starts to work his way down my chest.
He pulls off my pajama pants and shit. . . . . . wow. . . . He didn’t even
give me time to react to the fact that he was seeing me naked for the
first time. Sexually that is.

His really good at this. I’ve never felt anything like it before. I try to
concentrate on what he is doing so that I could do the same to him,
but its like fucking impossible. His stopped. I don’t understand why.

“What’s wrong?” I need to finish. I was almost there.

“Don’t worry benji I’m not stopping. I just want to try something
different.” He gets up and starts towards the hallway.

“Where are you going?”

“Just to get something. I’ll be right back.”I watch him leave the
room before sitting up. What could he need right now?

“See I told you I’d be right back.” I look up at him. His holding a little
tube of something.

“What’s that?”

“Lube.” Like it’s the most simple thing in the world. Like its an everyday
thing or something. While maybe for some people it is, but not for me.

“Oh”

“Are you sure your ready for this.” NO! I’m not.

“Yay”I start to lay down again.

“How would you like it.” WHAT!?

“What?”

“While do you want to face me or . . .” Man sometimes . . . . His so
insensitive.

“How would you l-like it?”

“Doesn’t matter to me.” So this doesn’t matter to him huh.

“Facing you I guess.” I might as well get this over with.

“Ok. Just lay back.”

Joel walks over to me. I looked down with nervousness not sure if
I’m ready for this. God what the hell am I doing and Joel acting
like I’m just another fuck. I hope that’s not what he’s thinking.

“Joel . . . . . I’m starting to freak out.”

“It’s ok benji, don’t worry it will be ok.” Fuck, I’m being such a
baby I know. Fuck I know that Joel cares about me.

Joel is climbing over me, he pulls me towards him lifting my ass
upwards, he takes the bottle of lube slowly rubbing it up and down
himself then he puts some on his fingers and oh god he . . . . . oh god
that’s different.

Holy shit this is kinda uncomfortable. Joel looks at me . I think his
waiting for me to tell him to go on. I nod my head.

“Benji, are you alright?”

“Yeah, just do it.”

He takes out his fingers, replacing it with his penis.

I can feel him straining to push into me. Its starting to hurt a little.
I think his only got the head in so far. If its hurting this much now,
how is it going to feel when its all in? I just want him to shove it in
and get it over with. I think his waiting for me to adjust.

I lift my legs up higher on his waist, pulling him closer. I just need him
to get it over with. I know it will get better. Other wise why would
anyone do it.

I know only a few seconds have gone by but its feeling like an eternity.
His stopped now. God his finally all in. I look into his eyes. I’m trying
to read his eyes but I can’t. His got this blank look that I can’t seem to
break through. Like his playing a video game or something. You know
when you zone out and don’t seem to know what s going on around you
or what your doing. You just do what’s natural.

His starting to move. Its just seems to be a little stinging now. I didn’t
realize that it had stopped hurting. I can’t even describe the pain to
myself. I’m not even going to try. I just felt like I was going to get sick.
I felt so full.

This is starting to feel pretty good. Not great mind you, but good. I reach
down between us grasping onto my own erection. I need some contact.
I start pumping, needing release. Oh fuck what was that. It felt so fucking
good.

“Oh god Joel do that again.” Fuck! He keeps going hitting that spot over
and over again. I can’t take it anymore. I cum spilling my seed all over
the both of us. Joel finishes not two second after me. We fall asleep
next to one another tightly embracing each other.

Ring, ring. Shit the Phone. I jump up and run for it.

“Where are you going?!”

“The phone is ringing.”

“Well shit just let the fucker ring.”

“Joel, What if it is an emergency.” Ok I just sounded like a Winier
just then.

“Ok fine. . . . . Geez.” I grab the phone off its holder.

“Hello!?”

“Fuck Benj you don’t have to holler in to the phone!”

“Sorry. . . . . Matt?”

“Ya.! Who else has the sexiest voice in the world?”

“Sorry. My brain isn’t functioning this early in the morning.”

“Dude its like 10:00 in the morning. Don’t tell me you where still
sleeping.”

“No. . . .I must have lost track of time.”

“Riiight. So dude what are you up to today?”

“Nutting much and you?”

“I thought maybe we could go see a movie or something.”

“Sure.”

“Well I’ll meet you at the mall about 1:00. ok? Maybe we can
look around before the movie starts or something.”

“Sounds cool. I’ll see you then.”

“Bye”

“Bye.” OH fuck I forgot to ask if Joel can come to. Oh fuck it. I’m
sure Matt wouldn’t mind. I walk back to our room. Joel is laying on
the bed reading an ap magazine.

“Who was that on the phone?”

“Matt.”

“What did he want?”

“Nothing. He just wanted to know it we wanted to go see a movie today.”

“Oh. What did you tell him.”

“I told him. Yes. . . . Why don’t you want to go?”

“Sure. . . . I don’t care.”

FINALLY!! Done. . . .collective sigh of relief please.
One more chapter. . . which will be here very soon. I promise you .

'benj' I know another new one. I hate myself for it.

Wed, 07 Jul 2004 05:37:07 GMT

Disclaimer: I do not own. This did not happen. I swear I don’t think
it has anyway.

Author: freekynikki
July 7, 2004

‘Prologue’

‘Benji’

I know what everyone wants. I know what everyone expects of me.
I know that people want me to tell them how I am in love with him.
How I can not stop thinking about him. That he is my world and
I just couldn’t live without him. That he is my beginning and end.
That we had some hard times but worked through them.

Sure that is the cliche. . . . . Well its all true. I admit it. I love him I
really do. I can’t live with out him.

I have nothing to hide. We both have nothing to hide. This kind of
thing happens all the time so why in the world would people care
what we do in our privet lives.

Of course there are the skeptics. The crazy people that are
scared of something they know nothing about. They don’t know the
meaning of true love. The feeling of finding that one person that
makes you feel complete. That special feeling you get when they are
around.

Everyone knows about my alcoholism, but no one knows the
truth behind what really happened. No one knows how this nightmare
all started. Everyone has always thought it was because of my father.
Sure he had something to do with it, but that is not the whole of it.

To tell you the truth I don’t know how I got here. Outside our hotel
room covered in dirt, blood and what I figure is my own vile. I don’t
want to reach up and knock. I would hate to wake you up. Even in
my drunken state I now that seeing me like this just one more time
would break your heart.

Sure I know that you would forgive me. You always have. You know
that this is not the real me. That I would never get drunk just to hurt you.
You do now that when I am around it by myself. I just lose it. Some one
offers and of course I think ‘why not. Its just one.’ That is my problem. I
can’t stop after just one. I need to feel that sense of abandonment. The
feeling you get when your really drunk or high. The feeling of not
feeling.

“Oh no Benji not again!” I look up in time to see your face fall. I can
feel your heart ack. I can feel it because when it does so does mine.

“Nnoooo Joel is not what you thiiinnk.” I can’t seem to get out single
word without stuttering.

“Come on let me get you inside.”

“I do it.” I can hear myself talk. I know my speech is fucked up, but I just
can’t seem to talk right. My brain is sending my mouth signals and they
seem to get distorted by the time they come out of my mouth.

I slowly crawl on my hands and knees into the room. All that I think is:
‘Another show, another town, and another hotel room.’

PLease tell me what you think. I already hate it!!

HATE ME 18

Wed, 12 May 2004 02:20:49 GMT

Disclaimer: I do not own. . . .

{Benji’s Prov}

This week had been the greatest ever. Dads back in jail and is going to
prison. He will not be getting out soon with child abuse charges and escape
charges added to his sentence. I know Joel is worried about him escaping
again. I don’t think he will, but Joel has always worried about every little thing.

I came home the other day and Joel had pushed the beds together. He
was so nervous about it. He looked like he was about to be sick. I can’t believe
that he thought I would not like it. I had thought of asking him, but I thought it
would be moving to fast for him. I never thought that I would feel this way. I
never thought that I would love someone as much as I love him. Every day with
him seems like heaven.

I never imagined waking up next to him would be so perfect. I always wake
up first. I lay there for what seems like forever just staring at his innocence.
Wondering what could be going in that beautiful head of his. Wondering if
he is dreaming about us. Hoping he is not dreaming about anything unpleasant.

I know I have it bad for him. When we step out on to the front stoop every
morning and we kiss goodbye; I never notice what kind of day it is until I have
turned the corner. Just like today. It was overcast and sprinkling. I didn’t even
notice until someone mentioned it to me at work.

It seems like forever to get home everyday. Its only a ten minute drive, but it feels
like an hour. All I want to do is go home and be with Joel. I know he has been
feeling a little down since I started this job. I don’t like it either, but we need the
money. We only had enough money to get us though the first couple of months.
I never want to get behind. Our parents did and had to declare bankruptcy a few
years ago. It sucked. I never want that to happen to me and Joel.

I had made a decision today at work. I think I am going to try for my GED. It
would be a lot easier to get a better job and I won’t have to worry about school.
I want Joel to go back to School in the fall and finish his senior year. I know it
would just be to hard for the both of us to have jobs and go to school.

*****************************************************************

{Home} {Benji’s Prov}

“Hey Joel! I’m Home!”

“I’m upstairs! Hurry come up!” What the heck? The only thing that came to my
mind is ‘Joels in trouble.’ I run up the stairs and burst into our room.

“What Joel? What’s the matter?” He turns to face, shock evident on his face.

“Nothing. Why?”

“You told me to hurry.”

“Ya.”

“So what’s wrong.”

“Nothing.”

“Well why did you tell me to hurry in that voice.”

“What voice?”

“Urgent or something.”

“Oh. . . . I wanted to show you what I did today.” I finally look around at the
room. Joel had painted our room. The ceiling is black and so are two of
the walls; while the other two where still white. The two white walls where
next to each other and so where the other two black walls. Joel was covered in
paint, looking very happy with himself.

“Remember when we painted the shutters that one summer. Mom wanted them
black for some reason, I don’t remember why. While today I found the left over
paint in the basement. I thought it would be cool to paint our room.”

“I love it!”

“Oh great. I though you would like it.”

“Oh Joel I really love it. Its prefect!” I did to. It was really different. I never seen
anyone else’s room that I know look like this.

“Do you wanna eat. I ordered a pizza. . . . . . Pepperoni.”

“Sure just let me take a shower first.”

“I’ll come get you when its ready.”

“Cool.” I head to the bathroom and undress. I look at myself in the mirror. I was
hoping that a lot of these scars would fade somehow. I knew they wouldn’t, but
one could wish. Right?

I can’t do anything about them now. I jump into the shower and start to lather
up. I guess when we get to the point of taking all of our clothing off I could
make sure all the lights are off or something. Ya that is what I will do.

“Hey Benji?”

“Yay.”

“Pizzas here.”

“Ok. I ‘ll be right out.” I hear the door close and start to wash my hair. I think I
have to change gel or something. Its really making my head itchy. I was scratching
all day at work. Someone would think I had bugs or lice or something. I finish up
and start to get out of the shower.

“Ahh. What the hell are you doing.” I see Joel and jump behind the shower curtain.
I didn’t even hear him come in.

“I was just bringing you a towel.” I hope he didn’t see anything.

“Ok fine. Hand it to me.” I hold out my hand indicating that I wanted him to
give me the towel.

“Benji what are those?” Shit!

“What are what?”

“Those things on your stomach. What are those?”

“Nothing. Give me the Towel.”

“No not until you tell me what the hell happened to you!”

“Joel. Not now. Give me the damn towel!” I lunge for the towel but end up
tripping on the edge of the tub and falling out face first onto the floor. Great
now I am laying naked on the bathroom floor and on top of that my nose is
bleeding. Just great, just fucking great.

“Benji stop fucking hollering at me. I’m just concerned about you is all.” If he is
so fucking concerned. Why the hell isn’t he helping me up off the fucking the floor.
His just standing there, the fucktard.

“Joel! Fuck! Help me up. I think I broke my nose.”

“No you didn’t. I t would have bleed more then that. Your ego is more broken
then your nose is.” He could be such an assmunch sometimes. When I need him
to be sympathetic he is just acts asshole. I start to get up on my own. I notice
my knee is hurting a little to. I look up at Joel. He is standing there staring at me.
I can’t tell what he is thinking.

“Did he to that to you?” I wanted to tell him in a different way. I never wanted him
to find out like this. These kinda things break Joel.

“Ya.” I see tears slowly start to slide down his face.

“Was this. . . was this when I left?” I look him in the eyes. He is inches away
from breaking down.

“Joel. Don’t do this. Its done and over with. He will never touch either one
of us ever again.”

“I know. . . I just. . . I just . . “ He starts crying uncontrollable sobs. I wrap my
arms around him. Trying to comfort him. I don’t know what else to do.

“Joel please don’t cry. It will all be ok..” I don’t really
believe it myself, but I can’t tell him that.

“Oh Benji. . . .Its never going to be ok. . . . We are always going to be going
through shit like this. Do you really think people are going to just accept us.”

“No, but Joel. I thought we didn’t care what people thought.”

“I don’t care, but you know its going to be hard.”

“Ya Joel, but we will get through it.”

“Benji, what did he do to you? Please tell me.”

“The first time was when I was sleeping. It was about a week after you left. He
came into our room. . . . .” I couldn’t finish.

“What Benji?”

“ There cigarette burns.”

“Oh benji. God.”

“Its ok Joel. They don’t even hurt anymore. They look worst then they really are.”

“God will our lives ever get any easier? Fuck, it just feels like I should just end it
all right now; because there is nothing to live for.”

“You have me?” That was more of a question then an answer. He looks up at me.

“I didn’t mean it that way. I could never live without you.” I know he was
probable telling the truth, but there was still that nagging feeling at the back
of my mind.

CHAPTER 17

Fri, 30 Apr 2004 05:26:00 GMT

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Joel or Benji. I don’t even own billy or Paul.
Also this has never happened. Nope it hasn’t. Well at least to my knowledge
anyway.
I apologize now for the language used in this fic. I do not mean to offend
anyone.

Author: freekynikki
CHAPTER 17
April 29, 2004

{Joels Prov}

I didn’t want to look. As if not looking would make it all go away. As if
he would just disappear, and let us have this perfect moment. I didn’t want to
look away from Benji. I wanted this to last. I didn’t want it ruined by that asshole. He has ruined our lives enough.

I knew by not answering we would be in more trouble. I just couldn’t bring
myself to say anything.

“What are you doing here.” Benji of course would have the guts to talk. He
was not afraid of anyone. Well that is what I thought anyway.

“I live here asshole. How fucking stupid could you get?”

“ I meant. What are you doing out?” It came out a little to sarcastic, but I don’t
think my dad noticed. He could be a complete idiot sometimes.

“I just am ok. You two didn’t answer my question.” I thought he would have
forgotten. Well I knew he wouldn’t Anything homosexual to my dad is an
immortal sin. And if it was his two sons. I can only cringe at the thought.
I finally got the courage to look at him. Benji had let go of my face and was
now only holding my hand. Even through it was a small gesture for some reason
it made me feel better.

“Nothing.” I don’t think he bought that.

“Didn’t look like nothing to me.” He was starting to get louder. A sure sign he
was about to lose it.

“Well you must have been seeing things.” I gave Benji’s hand a squeeze. The last
thing he wants to do is piss dad off.

“I’m not blind boy! You where kissing your brother!”

“No I wasn’t.” I can’t believe how calm Benji is right now.

“Well what the fuck would you call it then.”

“I wouldn’t call it anything because we where not doing anything.” I know
he is trying to save our asses, but this is getting a little out of hand. I couldn’t
help but think. Was he telling the truth? Maybe it didn’t mean as much to him
as it meant to me.

“Stop lying to me you little faggot. I know what you where doing.”My dad is the
biggest hypocrite I know. All those things he did to me and he pretends that he
doesn’t like men. He pretends that being with other men is a horrible thing. He
even tells people right out that he thinks homosexuals are the devils helpers.
The sick bastard.

*****************************************************************

{Benji’s Prov}

Before I knew it Joel was up and across the room.

“What the fuck did you call him? Huh. . . You fucking asshole. How dare you
judge him or me for that matter. When you are the sick basterd that is chasing
after young boys. Not only young boys, but your own son.” Oh fuck this is not
good. I get up to try to reach Joel before he could, but I’m to late. I hear the
sickening sound of something break.

I immediately look to Joel to see if he was alright. He was standing there with a look
I couldn’t quite explain. I have never seen Joel like that. He looked really pleased
with himself. I look over at the man we call dad. He was laying on the floor,
blood running down the sides of his face. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe Joel
just hit our father.

I walk over to Joel. Still in my shocked state. I stand there looking into his eyes.
They are not the same as when I was staring into them only moments before. They
seemed empty, vacant. He had so much love radiating from them. How would
someone’s emotions just change like that. In fact I couldn’t feel him. He has no
emotions. I couldn’t help but feel a little scared of him.

“Joel? Are you alright?”

“Ya I’m fine Benj, and you?”

“Fine.” Why was he acting like this? This isn’t Joel. He wouldn’t ever hit
anyone. He was so gentle. He wouldn’t even punish the dog when he went on the
rug. He told me that he felt to bad punishing bear. He told me that bear was just a
helpless animal. It kinda reminded me of us at the time. I loved that dog and so did
Joel. Dad took him away from us; because we had been bad. I knew that wasn’t the
reason. Dad got rid of him. I don’t think he wanted to mess with the food and stuff
anymore.

“What should we do?”

“I don’t know.” Great I am feeling really weak and shit right now. I have no idea
what to do. I look down at our farther. He was still knocked out. I notice he is
still wearing one of those prison uniforms. Did he get out, or did he escape?

“I think he escaped. I know they wouldn’t just let him out on good behavior for
only a couple of weeks.”

“Ya. Should we call the police?”

“I have no idea. I mean what if they arrest you for assault or something?”

“We can say it was self defense.”

“Do you think that would work.”

“Why not? That is what it was. . . . . . . . . Well that is what it would have turned out to be.” He had a point.

“I’ll call now.”

*******************************************************************

{Joels prov}

Well dad is back in jail. He also got two new charges on him now. Escaping and
child abuse. They are going to send him to the state penitentiary at the end of the
month. Hopefully we will not see him for a very long time.

Benji got a job the other day. It has only been three days since he started work and I am already lonely. I told him I wanted a job to. I wanted to help out. We used the rest of my money to pay off the bills. We have few hundred left over for the month. For food, gas, shit like that.

I finally got the blood out of the carpet. I never realized that blood stained. I mean you would think that I would know that. All those times I got the shit beaten out of me. I always came home with my clothing full of blood. Mom would always wash them and they would be clean for me the next morning.

I have already cleaned the whole house. I didn’t go into my parents room. I haven’t
been in there since mom died. I’ll have Benji go in there later. I don’t think he is
as bothered by it as I am.

I have been debating all day weather or not to push our twin beds together. Usually
I would just do it, but Benji might not want it like that. I should just do it and if he doesn’t like it we could push them apart. Forget it. I’m gonna do it.

*******************************************************************
{Benji’s home} (Joels Prov.)

Well his home. I hope he will like it. I think it would break my heart if he disapproved. I see him walking up the path to the front door. I can’t help but feel excited. I am jumping around like an excited little girl over her new doll.

“Hey baby, how was your day?”

“Boring as usual. And yours?”

“Sucks as usual. All I want to do is go upstairs and take a nap. Want to join me?”

“Sure.” I’m not really that tired, but I would never give up a chance to go lay
down next to Benji. Where already at the top of the stairs and I’m getting really
nervous. What if he hates it? What if he yells at me? I look up at Benji. His already at the top of the stairs. Hi smiling down at me. Clearly waiting for me. I notice that I seem to be going extra slow today.

“Benji . . . . .I have a little surprise for you.” I wrapped my arms around his waist.

“Oh really?”

“Ya.” His actually looking around like I hide it out in the hallway or something.

“Its not in the hallway.”

“I knew that! I was just looking at how good of a job you did today.”

“Ya sure.”

“I was.”

“Uh huh”

“Well where is it?”

“In the bedroom.” He practically ran down the hall to our room. Dragging
me behind him. He swung open the door and stopped. I wasn’t sure what
he was thinking. I don’t even want to look at him.

“Oh Joel.”

“You don’t like it do you. I mean I could push them back if you like.”

“Joel calm down. I love it. I was going to ask you if you wanted to, but I
thought it might be to soon.” I can feel tears coming. Oh god Joel sometimes
you could be such a girl. Stop it, stop it!

“Joel are you crying?”

“NO!”

“Yes you are. Oh Joel.”

“Ok so what. I cry when I’m happy ok.”

“Oh Joel. I love you.”

“Me to.”

“You love yourself?”

“You know what I meant.” Sometimes Benji could be such a retard.

“No I don’t. You just said me to. Are you a-sexual or something? So that’s the
reason your so attracted to me. I look like you. So it would be just like you
making love to yourself or something. You’re a real weirdo.” Well I’m happy
Benji can get a good laugh at such stupid little things. Other people are bothered
by this. He laughs to load at his own jokes. He thinks his so funny.

“So what are you doing with me?"

"Huh?"

"Like you said we look identical and well . . . You must be a-sexual to.” Well at least now he stopped laughing.

“Well . . . . Thank god there’s two of us. So we could have a relationship with
someone else, but ourselves.” I couldn’t help but laugh. Sometimes he could be a
real weirdo, but I guess that is what keeps us together. Us weirdos and freaks
have to stick together.

Well there it was. Chapter 17. AGH! It was a bugger to write. I lost the first one
I wrote. I had it done last night, but my computer decided to mess with me so.
PLEASE REVIEW
Thank you all that have reviewed so far.
Love and fuck you’s (yay)

CHAPTER 16

Tue, 13 Apr 2004 06:07:34 GMT

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN. Hmm Well Maybe just a little. . .
Umm no I guess not.

Author: Freekynikki
HATE ME 16
‘so far between broken and fixed’
{I am going to try putting other Provs in this.}
April 12,2004

{Benji’s Prov}

I want to say that dinner went well. But it didn’t. After everyone ate we sat in
uncomfortable silence. Everyone knew what happened but no one wanted to
touch the subject. Paul sat there and tried to make conversation but failed
miserably.

Around eight o’clock everyone decided to go home. I didn’t argue. I was kinda
happy the night had ended. I just wanted to be alone with Joel. With him it wasn’t
uncomfortable. We really didn’t have to try, we just where.

After locking up I went back to the living room where Joel was sitting. He had
just put in the movie 13. I rented it from the video store earlier. It looked
interesting. Something about 13 yr old girls getting into drugs and sex. Anything
with drugs and sex should be interesting. Right?

I sat down next to him and waited for the movie to start. We hadn’t really
spoken since before dinner. We made it together. I realized that he was a
worst cook then me. I would have thought all that time spent with mom
before she died would have rubbed off on him. He was always in the kitchen
with her. I guess he didn’t pay much attention.

“Benji? What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing much. . . . .Mom.” Ok Maybe I should not have put it that way. I
know Joel still really loves mom. He would never say a bad word about her.
I know it was really hard to deal with. Both of her sons told her really big
secrets about themselves. It would drive anyone normal over the edge.

“Oh.” I looked over at him. He has a really weird look on his face. Like he
was thinking really hard about something that bothered him. I turn back to
the tv. The movie was starting and already seemed interesting. For some
reason the girls where slapping each other across the face and laughing
about it. Did I miss something?

“Joel?”

“Ya?”

“What are they doing?”

“I was just about to ask you that.”

“Oh.”

“What the heck are they doing?” It seemed like the question was more
to himself then to me. We watch the rest of the movie in silence. I kinda
liked it. It turned out the girls had taken some kinda drug and couldn’t
feel anything so started to slap each other. Interesting. Lots of sex.

“Benji. I need to talk to you about something.” I turn to give him my
full attention. I know it must be important. I hope he tells me what has been
bothering him. I am starting to get a little worried. I hope he is not going
into some kinda depression. That would be the last we needed right now.
Just when I thought things where starting to get better. Ok now I am jumping
ahead of myself. He has his head down looking at his hands. I wonder what
could be bothering him. He seemed distracted all night.

{Joels prov.}

I don’t know what to do. I really want to tell him that I think I am
ready for us to start our relationship. That is if he still wants to. Looking
into his eyes, I couldn’t think of anything else but kissing him.

I lean in to kiss him. His still sitting there with a look of complete innocence
on his face. I touch my lips to his, softly at first and then pressing a little
harder after not being pushed away.

I pull away to look into his eyes trying to see if his alright.

{Benji’s Prov}

Wow I can’t believe he just kissed me. Oh my god. It was perfect. I open my
eyes to look at him. He is starting at me like I was some kinda interesting
artifact or something. He seemed to be studying me, maybe trying to judge
my reaction.

He has nothing but love in his eyes. I try to say something to him, but I am
rendered speechless. Instead I jump at him. Pushing him back against the arm
of the couch. I grab his face and press my lips to his. After a few seconds I run
my tongue against his lips bagging for entry to his mouth. He parts his lips to
allow me entry.

The taste of him is undescribable. It was so sweet, but yet had a spiciness to it
After I had a taste of him. I am sure I would never get enough. I can’t even seem
to think straight. My head is beginning to spin and I swear I’m seeing stars.
I pull back for some air and all I could do is stare at him. He never looked more beautiful then he looks at this moment.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?!!”

{Sorry Cliffhanger gRR}

HATE ME 15

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 05:09:48 GMT

DISCLAIMER: I so not own anything, nope nothing at all. Sad isn’t it.
None of this happened to my recollection. NOT long sorry. I have to have
an update so.

Author: freekynikki
HATE 15
March 29, 2004

“I thought you liked him Joel? He has always been one of our best friends.”

“I know Benj, but I don’t know if I could see him right now. I mean I know he
still works for Tony. It just makes me nervous to have him around right now.”

“Joel . . . . . Has he ever done anything to you?”

“NO!. Nothing like that. I don’t know. Never mind. I am just overreacting.”

“Joel if you feel uncomfortable I will call him right now and tell him not to come.”

“No Benji that wouldn’t be right. Just forget it. Everything will be ok. Lets just
think about today being the best birthday we can make it. Ok?”

“Ya I guess, but are you sure?”

“Ya I am sure Benji. . . . . . So you said this was going to be a sit down dinner.
So what are we having?”

“Spaghetti and meatballs with tomato sauce. And for desert we will be having
pineapple upside down cake.”

“Sounds good. Who is going to cook it?”

“Me, who else?”

“Haha, you? Are you serious?”

“Ya. . . .Why is that so Funny?”

“I can’t imagine you cooking, that’s all. You didn’t even know where we kept
the pots and pans at when I lived here.”

“Things change Joel.” I felt a little sad that he didn’t really believe in me.
I mean why wouldn’t I be able to cook? I could do anything I set my mind to.

“Benj, wait. What the matter?”

“Nothing Joel I am going to go start supper. I haven’t really cooked this
stuff from scratch before so I thought I would start on the meatballs and sauce.”

“Benji I didn’t mean anything by it. I just thought it was different that’s all.”

“Ya whatever Joel. I am going down stairs.” I didn’t wait to hear his reply. I
knew he didn’t mean anything by it. I just couldn’t help but feel hurt. I mean
he seems to like to think I can’t do anything. I mean I am a pretty tough guy
on the outside, but I could do simple things that require some brains.

I start to unpack the groceries from earlier before I thought Joel went missing,
again. I felt someone in the room with me. It had to be Joel. I mean who else
would it be.

I felt him grabbing me around the waist from behind. Pulling me into an awkward
hug. I put my hands over his and lean my head back against his shoulder.

“Benji, I am so sorry for what I said. You could do anything you put your mind
to. Don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t, not even me.”

“Joel I love you with all my heart. I can’t ever be mad at you. It just hurt that you
didn’t believe in me.”

“Benj, I am so sorry. I am an asshole.”

“No your not, I just overreact about things that’s all.”

“How about I help with dinner. I know how to handle balls.”

I know its really stupid but I couldn’t help it.

HATE ME 14

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 04:28:29 GMT

DISCLAIMER: Ok I do not own them none of them. . .I swear. . .I do
not think they did any of this either.

Author: freekynikki
HATE ME 14

I brought him home a few days later. He was still in a lot of pain, but the doctor said
it would be better for him at home. Faster recovery time or something like that.

I spend my time taking care of Joel. Cooking for him, cleaning up after him, and even
helping him dress. Usually helping him dress would be a dream come true, but the
sight of his body gets me angry. The bruises still haven’t faded, and the lashes on his
back still get to me. Even after seeing them for the past few weeks. I just can’t seem
to get over it. I can’t believe what our dad did to him or even what Tony did. I want
to hurt whoever hurt my poor Joely. They do not deserve to even be in his presence.
He is to good for them.

We still haven’t talked about what happened at the hospital. I am starting to think it
was just a dream. We do tell each other we love one another more often now, but that
is about it. I don’t want to push Joel into something he doesn’t want to do. He has been
through so much already.

“Benji.”

“Coming!” The past few weeks have been a little crazy. Joel has been feeling a little
down. He doesn’t really want to talk about what happened with Tony, and I don’t blame
him. I want to do something special for him to make him feel better. Our Birthday is
coming up in a few weeks, and I am trying to plan something that would make him feel
better. Maybe a party.

“Benji. Can you get me some water? Please?”

“Sure.”

“Here you go Joel.”

“Thank you, Benji.” Yep pretty much a normal day.

**************************************************************

“Hey JOEL! Wake up.” Jumping onto the bed next to Joel. He has been feeling a
whole lot better lately. Moving around really well, and even going out for walks now.

“Uuhh . . . . Benji . . . . Its seven in the morning. What do you want?”

“GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS!”

“Umm. . . . . . I don’t know. What day is it.”

“Is that sarcasm that I here from my Joelykins.”

“Hahaha. Your so funny Benji.”

“Ok Joel the first time was cute, but now your getting annoying.”

“Well that is what I am here for. To keep you on your toes.” He is just to cute
sometimes.

“Ok Joel, so what day is it?”

“Our birthday.”

“I couldn’t hear you.”

“OUR BIRTHDAY!”

“Yay Joel. FUN, FUN.”

“So what do you want for breakfast this morning.”

“Whatever you want I don’t care.”

“NO Joel This is our day, and I am going to make it as special as I could.”

“Ok fine now you are getting annoying.”

“Well tell me what you want then.”

“Pancakes.”

“See was that so hard?”

“No, now get going on those pancakes. I am gong to take a shower.”

“Need any help?”

“Soon Benji soon.” I can’t believe how much Joel has recovered. He has been
doing so well.

“Ok I am going to go make them pancakes then.” I stayed to make sure that he
got to the bathroom alright and then went down stairs. I planned a small dinner
between friends for our birthday party. I knew Joel would not be up to a large party
so I thought a sit down dinner would be best for him. I invited our friends Paul, Chris,
and Billy. I had to give it some thought about Billy, but in the end I thought it would be
best to invite him.

I cooked the pancakes for Joel and brought it to him in the living room. I then set out
to do some shopping for tonight. I found that I really love to cook when I didn’t have
someone hollering at me all the time. I wanted to try something different for tonight.
Maybe I will make spaghetti and meatballs with some kind of sauce from scratch. With
a upside down pineapple bunt cake for dessert.

I know Joel will love it. I am not sure about Billy since he is a vegetarian, but can just
eat the cake and the spaghetti.

*****************************************************************

The super market was pretty slow today so I got my shopping done pretty fast.

“Joel. I’m home!” No answer, that’s funny.

“Joel, where are you?” where could he be. I am starting to get worried. I look through
every room, but he is not here.

“JOEL!” oh god where could he be. He was acting a little weird this morning, but he
wouldn’t just take off without telling me. Would he? The only place I didn’t look is
under the beds. SO I go to look. Why the heck am I looking under the bed? I am such
a retard.

“Benji. Are you here. I’m home.” Joel?

“Joel is that you?”

“Ya where you at?”

“In the bedroom.” I look up towards the door right when he gets to it.

“Uuhh Benji. .. . . What are you doing on the floor.” Ok this is not going to sound
to good.

“I was looking for you.”

“On the floor?”

“No. . .. . .under the bed.” Ahh could I be more lame.

“Why would I be under the bed.”

“Ok that is not the point. Where have you been?”

“Chill out Benji. I was out getting some fresh air, and getting you this.” He hands a
small box to me.

“What is this for?” Smart one Benji.

“Umm our birthday. Have you already forgotten?”

“No. . . .Well. . . . ya kinda. . . I was so worried about you. It just seemed to slip
my mind.”

“Oh. . . well . . . open it.”

“Umm ok.” I slowly open the box to reveal another small red box. The box itself
looks expensive. I open the small box and get the shock of my life.

“Oh Joel. This is way to much. How could you have afforded this.”

“I see you have already forgotten what I have been doing for the last few months.”

“Oh.”

“Put it on.”

“Joel this is so beautiful. You shouldn’t have done this.”

“I love you Benji. This is nothing compared to how I feel about you.”

“Can you help me.” I turn my back to him so he can slip on the silver chain and
clasp it. I go to the mirror in the corner of the room to look at it. It’s a cross about
the length of my thumb, its silver with small red stones in it.

“Do you like it.” Joel came up behind me and put his arms around me.

“Oh Joel I love it. I will never take it off.”

“Well I am glad, but you might want to take it off well getting in the shower or going
to bed. That thing could put your eye out, or more importantly cut me up.”

“Well I will just not take a shower and about the bed thing I will sleep standing up if
I have to and you will just have to be careful.” a burst of laughter erupted from his
throat. I couldn’t help but laugh to. I loved him so much I just couldn’t believe that
I had him. All to myself.

“Well what do you have planned for tonight.”

“I thought that we could have a small dinner with friends and. . .”

“What friends?”

“Well Paul, Chris, and umm Billy.”

“BILLY!?”

OK enough for now kiddies. What did you think of the present?? I really couldn’t
remember how it looked, but I seen Joel get it from a custom Jeweler on VH1. I
really liked it. So I thought I would us it here. I probable got the description wrong,
but it doesn’t have to be complete exact.

PLEASE REVIEW!

HATE ME 13

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 04:25:14 GMT

DISCLAIMER: PEOPLE I D O N ‘ T O W N T H E M
Ok, THEY HAVE NEVER DONE ANY OF THIS EITHER,
Without me that is! HEHEHE!!!!

Author: freekynikki
HATE ME 13
REDONE MARCH 28, 2004

Joel had fallen asleep a few hours ago. He had a good laugh at the song I picked
out. Painful, but good. I have no idea why I picked that song of all the ones I could have picked. I know there was a cooler one I could have sang, but he liked it so, whatever.

I have come to the conclusion that Joel had gotten beaten up. . . . .Again. I really wish he would tell me who keeps doing this to him. The first time someone had
almost broken his nose, so that is why he was covered in blood, but this time it is so much worst.

He would not be in this situation if it wasn’t for me. I was the one that let him walk out in the first place. I told dad it would be better if he didn’t live at home. I was the one that didn’t notice the way our dad was treating him. I was the one that let him go the second time. Why didn’t I tell him that I loved him.

“Sir. Visiting hours are over in 15 minuets.”

“I am going to stay here tonight.”

“Are you a relative?”

“Yes. I am his brother . . . . . . Twin brother.”

“Well I will have to go ask my superior about this.” What is there to ask? In short
of them carrying me out of here. I am not leaving.

“Ok sir. It is ok if you stay. We are going to bring in a sleeping chair for you.”

“Fine, thank you.” I just want to be alone with my brother. I hate them interrupting
my thoughts all the time. I know that they are just doing their jobs but it kinda bugs me the way they keep waking the patients up all the time.

“Benji?”

“Yes.”

“I’m thirsty.”

“Ok I will go get some water.”

“Thank you.” I walked down the hall to the nurses station to ask for some water.
They gave me a glass with way to much ice and little water. What idiots.

“Hey Joel I got your water.”

“Thanks.”

“Here I will hold it for you.” I put the straw to his mouth and let him sip.

“That wasn’t very much.”

“I know, the nurses gave it to me. You want to suck on some ice?”

“Sure, why not.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Better. The shooting pain in my stomach has finally gone away.”

“Oh, that’s good.”

“Benji, I don’t want to hide anything from you anymore. I want it to be like it used
to be. We told each other everything. We where never afraid of what the other
thought. I love you and I can’t just ignore that. I know you don’t love me the way
I love you and I could live with that just as long as I can be near you again. I can’t stand being away from you. It feels like my heart is being torn in half. Then thrown against the wall.”

“I know.”

“No benj. You don’t know. You can not possible understand what I have been feeling.
I tried to get over you. I tried to move on. I dated Tony for a while. A very short time, but then I found out what he really was.”

“Joel. You don’t have to do this.”

“Yes I do benji. I need you to know what happened. The first time he hit me was
about a month ago. It wasn’t anything really. Just a slap. Then the day I showed up
at the house. He had punched me in the nose and slapped me across the face, I don’t
know how many times. I was on my knees bagging him to stop when he kicked me
hard right in the balls. That is why I couldn’t walk right. It felt like he kicked them right up into my stomach.”

“Why? Why would he do that to you?”

“I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. I knew that afternoon I was going to
tell you that I loved you and I didn’t want to have him around if you felt the same
way about me.” I felt so bad. Joel had given up everything to be with me and I was
to scared to even say I love him back. He did all the work. I just want to wrap him
up in a world of love, so he would never have to feel hurt again.

“So who did this to you?”

“Tony.”

“TONY! But he told me he hadn’t seen you. That fucking liar.”

“Well what did you expect him to say Benji. ‘I beat the shit out of your brother and
he is in the hospital right now.”

“I am going to kill him.”

“Benji calm down.”

“He will never do this again.”

“How do you know?”

“Because he told me I was not making him any money by just sucking guys off and
giving them hand jobs. He told me he never wanted to see me again.”

“Well fuck him Joel. You don’t need that asshole.”

“I know Benji. I went to him that day to tell him that I was no longer going to work
for him.”

“Really?”

“Ya. I decided that I had a little more respect for myself then that. I knew you where disappointed in me and I hated knowing that. I knew all along that you didn’t want me to do those things. It was just when I seen you again I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to get out of that life. I realized that your opinion is the only one that matters to me.”

“Oh Joel. I need to tell you something.”

“What?”

“I lied to you, Joel. I lied to you.” I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. They slowly started sliding down my checks.

“Oh benji, don’t cry. I don’t care what you have to tell me. I will love you anyway.”

“ Oh Joel. I lied to you. That day you told me that you loved me. I didn’t say anything because I was to shocked. I love you to Joel. I always have. I meant to tell you, but I don’t know what happened to me. That is what I told mom. I told her I was in love with you. I love you so much Joel. I can’t stand being without you.”

“Oh god Benjy I love you to.”

{EVIL TONY< poor Joely, oh I am so happy for BENJI now.}